Accidental unkindness

[Fee]

I'm very new!  Both to Buddhism and the forum.  Before coming to FreeSanga I had just started work on an accidental unkindness project.

I was planning to use meditation to help me reflect on the words I had used during the day.  Sometimes the little jokes we make leave a little hurt behind and I wanted to work to eliminate this as far as practically possible.

I'm not sure whether this falls in with any particular teachings and if anyone could give me any pointers I would be very grateful.  I think I'm looking for something related to mindfulness in communication.

I hope I am not trying to run before I can walk.  The reading I have done so far has suggested that learning about the Three Jewels is a good place to start.  I am using Buddhanet for this and finding the information there very interesting.

Thank you for taking the time to read this...

[Blue Garuda]

Hi Fee.

It's very much about 'intention'.

Our actions ('karma') create consequences and my way of thinking of them is this:

Actions which are meant to cause no harm and do not cause any.
Actions which are not meant to be harmful but cause harm.  (As you described.)
Actions which are meant to be harmful but do not cause harm.
Actions which are meant to be harmful and do cause harm.

Accidental harm is all around us, from the type of harm you describe to the killing of the ants we may tread on.

Buddhists do not all have the same interpretation of the outcomes of our actions.  Some say that the harm we cause has an effect on our minds and so harmful intentions are harmful to us in that respect.  Others believe in rebirth after the death of our body and so the form of that rebirth will depend upon our actions in this life as well as affect us in this life.

We're all trying to lessen that harm, and I have been taught that it is useful to think of eliminating the '3 Poisons' in my mind - Anger, Attachment and Ignorance'  - this needs more explanation, but it is obviously good to avoid Anger and being too 'Attached' to physical objects and other people to the point where our desire for them leads to bad intentions and actions.  Eliminating Ignorance means developing an understanding of how our mind operates and how we can develop ways to rid it of delusions.

That's probably too brief to be useful, but cast an eye over the threads on the forum and you'll pick up a lot of info.  including books, talks on Youtube etc. which people recommend.

The one really powerful act of 'mindfulness' with regard to others is to keep Compassion as your intention.  That doesn't mean always making people happy, but doing what is best for them.

[Fee]

Thank you for your reply Yeshe, I really appreciate you taking the time to pass on your knowledge 

I will certainly try to follow the pinciple of having "compassion as my intention".  Buddhist or not it seems an excellent way to live your life...

Eliminating the three poisons sounds like a lifetimes work  thank you for the summary though, far from being too brief to be useful it will be very helpful for me to understand the basic principles whilst undertaking further reading 

[t]

Some thoughts on Right Speech

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an04/an04.183.than.html
"When, for one who speaks of what has been seen, unskillful mental qualities increase and skillful mental qualities decrease, then that sort of thing should not be spoken about.
But when, for one who speaks of what has been seen, unskillful mental qualities decrease and skillful mental qualities increase, then that sort of thing should be spoken about.

"When, for one who speaks of what has been heard... what has been sensed... what has been cognized, unskillful mental qualities increase and skillful mental qualities decrease, then that sort of thing should not be spoken about.
But when, for one who speaks of what has been cognized, unskillful mental qualities decrease and skillful mental qualities increase, then that sort of thing should be spoken about."

[Monkey Mind]

A meditation or prayer:
"I seek pardon from anyone I may have harmed, intentionally or unintentionally, with my thoughts, words, or deeds.

I pardon all those who have harmed me, intentionally or unintentionally, with their thoughts, words, or deeds."

[Spiny le Norman]

I think I'm looking for something related to mindfulness in communication.

Yes, I sometimes make comments and wince afterwards about them.
You might find it helpful to find out more about mindfulness, as it's central to Buddhist practice.  There's a book called "The miracle of mindfulness" by Tich Naht Han which is a good introduction.  Or just google "mindfulness" and see what you get.
Also maybe have a look at the 5 precepts, one of which is right speech.

Spiny

[Blue Garuda]

A meditation or prayer:
"I seek pardon from anyone I may have harmed, intentionally or unintentionally, with my thoughts, words, or deeds.

I pardon all those who have harmed me, intentionally or unintentionally, with their thoughts, words, or deeds."

As long as we are in samsara we will need to forgive one another.  That's a fine prayer. _/\_

[Fee]

Thank you all for your help and advice!  I feel I have some great places to start now

[dhammaseeker51]

It's great being a Buddhist, being able to forgive people instead of holding onto all that anger and hate.
As I was returning home this morning I had to cross a bicycle lane across a garage forecourt exit, as I crossed  a waiting BMW pulled out without looking, swiping my bike and almost taking me down. I stopped to get over the shock, then carried on my way, laughing and forgiving his lapse of concentration.
I was still in a happy frame of mind when he pulled up in front of me and apologised most profusely, I was able to genuinely tell him not to worry and enjoy the rest of his day.
So there's another advantage to being a Buddhist -no road rage.

with Metta

[Optimus Prime]

What an excellent response to the situation ds51.  Well done!

[dhammaseeker51]

Living in mindfulness allows us to see that anger and hate really are like trying to pick up and throw that hot coal, not beneficial to anyone, especially ourselves.

with Metta

[Fee]

Thank you for the wonderful example  dhammaseeker51... It's certainly a goal  I am working towards rather than achieving every time at the moment. 

[Hanzze]

Fear is often forgotten as (one) cause of unkindness or unwholesome actions. *smile*

[katersy]

It's great being a Buddhist, being able to forgive people instead of holding onto all that anger and hate.
As I was returning home this morning I had to cross a bicycle lane across a garage forecourt exit, as I crossed  a waiting BMW pulled out without looking, swiping my bike and almost taking me down. I stopped to get over the shock, then carried on my way, laughing and forgiving his lapse of concentration.
I was still in a happy frame of mind when he pulled up in front of me and apologised most profusely, I was able to genuinely tell him not to worry and enjoy the rest of his day.
So there's another advantage to being a Buddhist -no road rage.

with Metta

wow, that's impressive!

[Lobster]

We can not avoid accidental unkindness.
We can practice deliberate kindness.

How? You have someone to forgive (most of us do).

Yourself.
The accident (or karma) of your being.

Have you added to your own and others suffering? No doubt.

I forgive you. The Buddha forgives. For Christ sake, even Jesus forgives you.
So you are OK. You may fail. You can practice to be successfully kind.
God luck
http://www.buddhamind.info/leftside/lifestyl/medi/met.htm