Author Topic: Importance of confession to the concerned party  (Read 562 times)

Offline personabuild

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Importance of confession to the concerned party
« on: December 10, 2016, 10:54:44 pm »
Hi,

  Recently I have started trying to follow the 5 percepts of Buddhism and I realized I have done so many mistakes in the past. In a few of them, I did something wrong but luckily nothing actually happened, the person who would have been affected was not affected in any manner and don't know about my action too. At that time, I let it go resolving that I won't do it again. But lately I am getting thoughts that I might have to confess to the person or system who would have been affected as I am still in touch with them. If I confess, the results would be disastrous and I don't wanna do that. But then I think, that if I don't confess, will that add more to negative karma and the result of not confessing would make me feel suffer even more, may be even like getting sick or losing everything even though no one got affected by my original action. I am feeling bad and suffering because of this dilemma as I don't want to do anything. I just want to let this go and move on without doing anything as such.

Please let me know what would be a better way to go about it than just suffering.

Offline emilylouisehende

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Re: Importance of confession to the concerned party
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2016, 04:00:35 am »
Well you could work on making yourself better and not make any more mistakes and be in the present & strengthen your relationship. I think it sounds like you need to just accept your actions without guilt or obsessing over it which will be hard. It sounds like your doing great though because you are becoming aware of your actions and want better so hang onto that. All you can do is focus on becoming better now and keep on practicing

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Offline Pixie

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Re: Importance of confession to the concerned party
« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2016, 05:41:26 am »
Hi,

I agree with emilylouisehende.

Just let it go now and move on mentally with the resolution to do better in the future.

Best wishes,

Pixie
May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.
May they all be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
May they never be deprived of true happiness devoid of any suffering.
May they abide in great impartiality, free from attachment to loved ones and aversion to others.

Offline VincentRJ

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Re: Importance of confession to the concerned party
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2016, 01:18:26 am »

 If I confess, the results would be disastrous and I don't wanna do that. But then I think, that if I don't confess, will that add more to negative karma and the result of not confessing would make me feel suffer even more, may be even like getting sick or losing everything even though no one got affected by my original action. I am feeling bad and suffering because of this dilemma as I don't want to do anything. I just want to let this go and move on without doing anything as such.

Please let me know what would be a better way to go about it than just suffering.

How can anyone advise you correctly without understanding the precise circumstances.
Your post is analagous to visiting a doctor who asks you where is your pain, in your stomach or your leg or your arm,  and you answer, I don't know.


Offline personabuild

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Re: Importance of confession to the concerned party
« Reply #4 on: December 18, 2016, 08:07:42 pm »
Thanks guys for your response.

To Vincent, there are two specific actions I have in my mind which I am feeling guilty about
1) I have a teacher for a worldly skill and he gives me h/w and if I don't complete it, I have to pay fine unless I am not able to do it because of lack of time. I have lied to him sometimes about it to save me money as I knew he won't understand how tough it would be to do those for me. I am determined that I won't lie in future but don't want to confess of past lying as that would make me lose a significant amount of money or lose the teacher.
2) I shared contact details of some people in my company with a friend who was planning to sell those details to a job consultant in exchange of some money. I didn't want to but I did it as an obligation for a friend. Thankfully, he never got to sell that and lost that information. But now I reflect on it, it was wrong to do it. Now If I go to my boss and confess about this, I would lose my job and I don't wanna do it. This happened many years back. Here also, I want to move on and this is what is causing my guilt.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2016, 08:16:43 pm by personabuild »

Offline personabuild

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Re: Importance of confession to the concerned party
« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2016, 08:18:27 pm »
Hi,

I agree with emilylouisehende.

Just let it go now and move on mentally with the resolution to do better in the future.

Best wishes,

Pixie
Thanks Pixie. I am having hard time letting it go. Whenever thought around this comes up, I feel severe discomfort and I want the feeling to go away and feel good again. May be I should just accept the discomfort instead of trying to feel good.

Offline personabuild

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Re: Importance of confession to the concerned party
« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2016, 08:19:19 pm »

How can anyone advise you correctly without understanding the precise circumstances.
Your post is analagous to visiting a doctor who asks you where is your pain, in your stomach or your leg or your arm,  and you answer, I don't know.
Thanks for you response, there are two specific actions I have in my mind which I am feeling guilty about
1) I have a teacher for a worldly skill and he gives me h/w and if I don't complete it, I have to pay fine unless I am not able to do it because of lack of time. I have lied to him sometimes about it to save me money as I knew he won't understand how tough it would be to do those for me. I am determined that I won't lie in future but don't want to confess of past lying as that would make me lose a significant amount of money or lose the teacher.
2) I shared contact details of some people in my company with a friend who was planning to sell those details to a job consultant in exchange of some money. I didn't want to but I did it as an obligation for a friend. Thankfully, he never got to sell that and lost that information. But now I reflect on it, it was wrong to do it. Now If I go to my boss and confess about this, I would lose my job and I don't wanna do it. This happened many years back. Here also, I want to move on and this is what is causing my guilt.

Offline VincentRJ

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Re: Importance of confession to the concerned party
« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2016, 12:35:00 am »
Hi Personabuild,

It seems to me you are fortunate in not only understanding that you have 'technically' been dishonest but also feel it emotionally. You are also fortunate that such dishonesty does not appear to have had any bad consequences for others, so there's a win/win for you.

What might be inexcusable is, if you were to continue to lie despite your feelings and understanding that it is wrong. Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them.

If this advice doesn't help, then perhaps you need to confess to a Catholic priest.  :wink1:


Offline Ron-the-Elder

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Re: Importance of confession to the concerned party
« Reply #8 on: December 23, 2016, 02:06:49 pm »
Quote
Personabuild wrote:  " I think, that if I don't confess, will that add more to negative karma and the result of not confessing would make me feel suffer even more, may be even like getting sick or losing everything even though no one got affected by my original action. I am feeling bad and suffering because of this dilemma as I don't want to do anything. I just want to let this go and move on without doing anything as such.

Please let me know what would be a better way to go about it than just suffering."

The intentional action (kamma) of  thinking non-beneficial thoughts may in fact result in non-beneficial karmic effects, perhaps in the form of disturbing concerns and worries as you are experiencing now.  Intentional physical actions often result in physical karmic effects, but not necessarily in the present, or even the future of current life-times, or even near-future lifetimes for that matter.  The conditions for cultivation of such results have to be present to nurture those results, causing them to arise, much like a plant requires a combination of good soil, sunlight, warmth, and water to grow.

Such conditions may never arise, ever, if the overwhelming preponderance of our intentional actions are beneficial.  For example, if all of your life you made it your business to do good works for the benefict of yourself and others, then chances are that the results of your actions would be overwhelmingly beneficial, and not result in any harm.

So,  to increase your chances of beneficial results, strive constantly to perform only beneficial acts, avoid and abandon harmful ones, and you are most likely to experience more beneficial results than non-beneficial ones in this life and in future lives.   :hug:

This is the way Buddha explained how kamma works.   :namaste:
« Last Edit: December 28, 2016, 02:03:47 pm by Ron-the-Elder »
What Makes an Elder? :
A head of gray hairs doesn't mean one's an elder. Advanced in years, one's called an old fool.
But one in whom there is truth, restraint, rectitude, gentleness,self-control, he's called an elder, his impurities disgorged, enlightened.
-Dhammpada, 19, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

Offline personabuild

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Re: Importance of confession to the concerned party
« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2017, 01:12:34 am »
Thanks everyone for your responses. It helped me clear my mind and see it as it is. I have decided to move on from this and not be bothered by it anymore which means I will be keeping this as a secret my entire life. I was looking into means on how to keep secrets. Usually we either just supress the secret or we talk about it with a few confidantes and then suppress it, also called forget it by many. Catholic confessions and Psychologists treatments all rely on confessing it to a non-judgemental person(priest or therapist) or even just write it down to someone and then stop thinking about it. Is this the healthy way to maintain a secret?

Do we really need to tell it to someone? As I see it, its just a thought with the idea of posing danger if revealed by myself or someone else. If we just be mindful of it as we do with any negative thought, shouldn't that be enough? My understanding is that as we keep on being mindful with it, frequency of the thought will reduce and eventually reducing to zero, which means its unconscious now. It will still have emotional charge to it, as there is some reason because of which it is a secret, but that emotional charge will keep on reducing too as we do not react to it. And I think that's how we eventually make peace with any secret or a negative thought pattern. Let me know what you guys think.

 


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