Author Topic: To let go or not - please help  (Read 680 times)

Offline Rita

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To let go or not - please help
« on: June 24, 2017, 07:50:40 pm »
I am wondering if you give me some tips on this. I am very new to Buddhism and learnt it via an online course. I hear the Buddhist view of letting to attachments which is a brilliant concept. However, I am in this dilemma and hope you can help me please.
I am the Treasurer of the Body Corporate (i.e. akin to building management if you are unfamiliar with the term) where I live. I have been on that role for over 10 years. It is voluntary.     

In the past 2 years, I have an older lady join the Executive Committee of the Body Corporate - I believe so that she can get her personal renovations done on her own unit using the Body Corporate funds. It is against the law to use Body Corporate funds for personal renovations. So, each time she asks for funds for say her tiles, etc, I tell her the law and why we cannot approve the expense.
She has since resorted to anger and calling me names whenever we meet. A couple of occasions, she shouted at me on the roadside using vulgarities. She also asked her next door neighbour (a big, angry man) to attend meetings with her so that both can start intimidating me via raising their voices and telling me off. I know that is a form of bullying to get their way. The other members of the Executive Committee are afraid and never stand up for what is appropriate. They watch silently and don’t have the courage to stand up together with me. They tell me quietly that they don’t want to have any disputes with her or her next door neighbour.

This whole matter is causing me much stress as I feel very alone in this. I keep thinking of the situation as well. I wonder if you have any suggestions? I can leave the role and not be part of the Executive Committee. However my fear is that the body corporate funds will then be squandered as the other members of the Executive Committee are afraid to stand up to her.
Any help, suggestions or queries will be much appreciated.

Thank you very much.

Rgds
Rita

Offline VisuddhiRaptor

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2017, 08:12:49 pm »
Hi there Rita

The Buddhist path is made up of three trainings:

(1) ethics or skilful & harmless behaviour

(2) meditation

(3) wisdom leading to letting go.

Letting go of attachments is particularly practised in circumstances beyond your control.

Therefore, as the Treasurer, letting go is not something you should practise in your role because you must control the finances.

The only suggestions I can think of is:

(1) Approach a relevant government, legal or industry body to assist you.

(2) Hold individual private discussions with the other members of your strata plan to make it clear to them this lady is attempting to exploit the fund & use their fund contributions for her own selfish purposes.

(3) Sell up & move elsewhere.

Importantly, you must keep reflecting/thinking to yourself you are doing the right thing ethically. The other lady is essentially wanting to be a thief or to steal money. It is against Buddhist principles to steal money.

Kind regards

  :namaste:



Offline Rita

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2017, 10:17:42 pm »
Dear VisuddhiRaptor
Thank you for your good guidance. Appreciate it!
Wonder how do I cope with the bullying and intimidation situation?
Is there a practice or some insights you can share?
I find it difficult to cope with the ensuing stress. I feel very alone in this.

Thanks again.

Cheers
Rita

Offline VisuddhiRaptor

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2017, 11:51:04 pm »
You are welcome, Rita

Coping with bullying and intimidation is very difficult because, generally, it is a form of "mobbing".

This is occurring in your situation because: (1) it is two persons against one; and (2) the other strata members won't support you due to fear.

This is exactly the same as workplace mobbing, where managers gang up on an employee and the other workers are too scared to support.

The only practice or insight I can share is to realise what you are doing is the moral, just, ethical & correct position. This is all that can be done.

In Buddhism, we reflect immoral people are the heirs to their actions; that eventually bad things will happen to them because of their immoral deeds.

The Buddhist teachings state when you start mixing up right & wrong, you will suffer, as follows:

Quote
316. Those who are ashamed of what they should not be ashamed of, and are not ashamed of what they should be ashamed of — upholding false views, they go to states of woe.

317. Those who see something to fear where there is nothing to fear, and see nothing to fear where there is something to fear — upholding false views, they go to states of woe.

318. Those who imagine evil where there is none, and do not see evil where it is — upholding false views, they go to states of woe.

319. Those who discern the wrong as wrong and the right as right — upholding right views, they go to realms of bliss.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/dhp/dhp.22.budd.html


Therefore, as I advised, you need to take your situation to a governing body. An Australian example is below:

http://www.fairtrading.nsw.gov.au/ftw/Tenants_and_home_owners/Strata_schemes/Resolving_disputes_in_a_strata_scheme/Strata_and_community_disputes.page#Step_4:_The_Tribunal

In this situation, you must get the law to help you.

If the law does not help you, this is when you let go by either accepting the lady using the strata fund or by selling your residence & moving somewhere else.

Kind regards



Offline Rita

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2017, 02:36:24 am »
Thank you so much again for your guidance VisuddhiRaptor.

Kind rgds
Rita

Offline Samana Johann

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2017, 08:05:42 am »
Nyom Rita,

It might be not useful to win in a wordily matter, but to understand the reason behind, here you may find a Sutta.

We meet situations that causes us unease. If such happens, it's good to remind that things have causes and that it's not possible to get ride of riping by demanting from others.

If not bound to something, where would be a problem to let go? So itks always good to look if something is actually ones own, which of course has levels. And if clear that it is ones own and not an eventuall fight for a bigger group, then it might be well to go after it, as long one does not need to become as low as ones opponent, if his/her ways are low.

So there are two saying, one from Austria, one an SouthEastasian (both possible not only geographical far away, and possible alian) which might be useful to think in every case, and that means in every step of act, word and thought, about:

"The wiser gives way."
"If he/she would understand* he/she would not do."

*cause and effect, the results of unskillful deeds

There is another thing to consider: people meet and gather together because of common tendency, and that usually again and again. If really part of the show and bound, then its difficult. It not easy to change ones own way. If it happens that you realize "Hey, there is something wrong.", and then try to possible fix or help in some ways, its then mostly so that things grow bigger and bigger, whether right or wrong. And if getting a beat that makes you feel unease, remember: "You hit first."

Since my persons language skills are not the best, and a maybe useful talk came to mind, my person likes to share it and its of course for a win in a larger scale as one might see, use to fight one battle after another:

In the Eyes of the Wise - The Buddha’s Teachings on Honor & Shame

At the end, it's not so useful to think "he/she will meet his/her judge", especially in an aversive way. It's better to direct goodwill and wish what ever unpleasant may ever ripen, may you never feel long pain and may you be able to bear it with ease.

Quote
Visākhā Sutta: Visākhā[

- Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa -

I have heard that on one occasion the Blessed One was staying near Sāvatthī at the Eastern Monastery, the palace of Migāra's mother.[1] And on that occasion, Visākhā, Migāra's mother, had some dealings with King Pasenadi Kosala that he did not settle as she had wished. So in the middle of the day she went to the Blessed One and, on arrival, having bowed down to him, sat to one side. As she was sitting there the Blessed One said to her, "Well now, Visākhā, where are you coming from in the middle of the day?"

"Just now, lord, I had some dealings with King Pasenadi Kosala that he did not settle as I had wished."

Then, on realizing the significance of that, the Blessed One on that occasion exclaimed:


All subjection to others
   is painful.
All independence
   is bliss.
What is held in common
brings suffering,
for duties are hard
to overcome.


Note

1.According to the Commentary, Visākhā was actually Migāra's daughter, but because she introduced him to the Dhamma, she gained the epithet of being his mother.


Now today, where you are, where you meet, there are even no more Kings avaliable, and if lazy or corrupt, so strong in the commune interest, the bounds of individuallity. It might cause another annoying and food for the consumers of suspected arenas and shows, but (aside of it's "heroic" teaser for the mass) the movie Planet of the Apes, a story starting at the same time my person "stupidy" lead him to an rebirth in this realm, gave him good reminder and reason to increase samvega, even still a child.

That's a lot "heavy" of food, but for a long lasting welfare good to work it of.

Faith In Awakening

Quote
A man searching for fruit climbs a tree to eat his fill and to stuff his garments with fruit to take home. While he is there, another man searching for fruit comes along. The second man can't climb the tree but he has an axe, so he chops the tree down. If the first man doesn't quickly get out of the tree, he may break an arm or a leg, or even die.

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Offline Samana Johann

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2017, 08:13:09 am »
Was the wrong talk in regard of "You hit him fist", but maybe useful anyway. Here the connected one to the topic in a broader manner: [En/De] Justice vs. Skillfulness - Gerechtigkeit vs. Geschick, Bhante Thanissaro
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Offline VisuddhiRaptor

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #7 on: June 25, 2017, 01:34:40 pm »
Hello Rita

Please ignore Johann, who is not a real monk & who has not been trained in how to teach lay people.

The Buddha taught in many places it is important for non-monks (lay people) to protect their financial wealth & assets.

There are many teachings about this in the Buddhist scriptures.

Johann is a person trying to be a monk; therefore they have a tendency to project what they should be practicing onto others.

When I lived in a real monastery, I observed this with bad monks. Bad monks would lecture people about the very faults they (the bad monk) had.

In summary, I empathize with your problem because bullying in the world is growing. But your problem is something for the secular law to address rather than Buddhism.

Since I administered government law as a profession for 12 years, I understand these matters.

Kind regards, good luck and have courage  :namaste:

Offline Pixie

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #8 on: June 25, 2017, 01:39:51 pm »
Hi Rita,

I agree with what VissudhiRaptor has said about Johann.

Wishing you all the very best for the future,


Pixie  _/|\_
« Last Edit: June 25, 2017, 01:44:00 pm by Pixie »
May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.
May they all be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
May they never be deprived of true happiness devoid of any suffering.
May they abide in great impartiality, free from attachment to loved ones and aversion to others.

Offline Samana Johann

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2017, 06:45:48 pm »
You, see. In situations when people not know, they follow their movies and having done so much wrong, "thinking what if I actually harm unrightously", even they are so called Buddhist, they whould not dear to do anything. So in cases you are caught up with people not dear to deliberatly lie, be careful if you have things to lose and give better win.

Hidden behind Avatar, anonymos, thinking in therms of laws to win, they go about and fight to be not caught by the effects of their deeds.

They would not do it, if they would know. So in such situations, just let them win and let go. That others are maybe harmed by them, think in lines of advices agains anger

Being bound to them, who ever would stand up, would be an enemy of them and receive aversion as well. Since both longtime in the Peta-world, moderators, users, hidden, organiced. Once you touch this swamp, you become a target.

Everybody needs to work his way out for him/her self. You can not help other is der is no upanissāya, if still bound and many duties.

Much effort and may all here meet ayyu, vanno, sukham, balam.
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Offline Rahul

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #10 on: June 25, 2017, 08:30:27 pm »
Dear VisuddhiRaptor
Thank you for your good guidance. Appreciate it!
Wonder how do I cope with the bullying and intimidation situation?
Is there a practice or some insights you can share?
I find it difficult to cope with the ensuing stress. I feel very alone in this.

Thanks again.

Cheers
Rita

Words alone won't help cope with this situation. You are feeling stressful simply because you feel overwhelmed by those two bullies. Today, it's those two people, tomorrow it could be any other sort of suffering that could overwhelm you.

Consider this: whatever you focus upon will gain strength and will impact you. Right now you are focusing on the 'powers' of those two bullies and hence it is overwhelming you. If you just realize that despite all these you haven't given up, that you still have the courage to stick to the right thing, that despite their bullying those two people haven't been able to achieve a bit and that's making them truly frustrated, that law is by your side, and that so far you have been adamant for the right thing... if you just focus on this side of the truth, you will feel great power and relief.

Focus is a magical thing. Evil people use foul language, strong gestures, etc. which may take our focus away from the truth. It's your attention to their language, behaviour, that is making them stronger in your eyes. Next time, when they misbehave verbally or any other way, just focus on the fact that despite all this they haven't been able to get a dollar of your fund and that's your strength. Focus on the fact that they have to resort to all the savagery in a bid to achieve their evil goals, and yet there are so powerless.

Focus on the right thing, this is called 'right view' in Buddhism.

Another thing why you feel stressed and unsure is that you haven't realized the strength and peace that is inherent in you. Practice breathing meditation. And when you need quick relief from stress, try pranayama: breathe in deep, slow and comfortably, then hold your breath for 5 or 10 seconds, then release it slow and comfortably, then again hold for 5 or 10 seconds before you breathe in again. Within a couple of minutes of doing pranayama, you will feel immensely peaceful.

You will become what you think: make a mental image of yourself and focus on it to strengthen it. Tell yourself: who am I? I am a person of immense morality. Like a mountain, I stand for the right thing, and I can't be budged by a bunch of evil-doers. I am on the side of the truth that will endure and prevail. I am immune to the foul language and intentions of the filthy minded people. I have immense positive energy that can't be subdued.

Focus on right things. Breathing meditation and pranayama for gaining rock solid confidence and peace. Building a great image of yourself and living it. Try these, nobody can defeat you!

Not just for this incident, these practices will help you overcome and defeat any suffering of life.

Offline Rita

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #11 on: June 26, 2017, 06:19:32 am »
Thank you so much. I will try practise what you said. I am very new to Buddhism.

Offline asifshaikh

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #12 on: June 26, 2017, 12:27:01 pm »
I would say stand up for what is right..bullying only gets worse when the person who is bullying knows that he won't be confronted. Seek the help of others and trust yourself..all the best!
As an artist, I find these Buddha paintings truly inspirational.

Offline Rita

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #13 on: June 26, 2017, 05:19:16 pm »
Hi asifshaikh - I always stand up to these types of bullies. However I have been advised to let it go as I am too attached - and Buddhism teaches us that clinging to things is the cause of suffering. Hence I have resorted to the forum for advice. Thanks.

Offline Rahul

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Re: To let go or not - please help
« Reply #14 on: June 26, 2017, 09:18:51 pm »
Hi asifshaikh - I always stand up to these types of bullies. However I have been advised to let it go as I am too attached - and Buddhism teaches us that clinging to things is the cause of suffering. Hence I have resorted to the forum for advice. Thanks.

Let go of what? That's the question. Buddha had to persevere and keep trying harder and harder for years until he reached enlightenment. Had he given up, he would be still living among us, unenlightened. It is the desires, cravings, greed, anger, fear, hatred... etc. that we should let go of.

 


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