Violence against a daughter, sister, or friend -- what to do?

[heybai]

The information below pertains to the legal and cultural situation in the United States, but much of the advice is applicable in other areas of the world.  It is almost always better to intervene when a woman is being abused.  It can be hard.  You may be told and may feel that you have betrayed your loved one's trust.  But waiting too long can lead to even graver abuse and tragedy.  Keep in mind as well, that taking steps to halt abuse is usually an act of compassion toward the abuser as well as the abused.

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Tips for Helping a Loved One or Friend Get Out of an Abusive Relationship
http://www.foh.dhhs.gov/NYCU/domesticviolence2.asp

If a friend or loved one is being abused, it is important to help them get out of the relationship and get to safety. As mentioned in the previous document, victims often have many reasons for not leaving their abuser, and pushing someone into taking action that he or she is hesitant to pursue will only increase their feelings of powerlessness. However, if someone you know is in immediate danger, the situation may require more support or action on your part, especially if the victim is not emotionally or physically able to help him or herself. The following tips may help guide you in offering support to an abuse victim:
Phone the police if you are concerned about the person’s safety. Do not physically intervene in domestic violence.
Don’t ask the person being abused what he or she did to provoke the violence. This just reinforces the belief that he or she is at fault.
Help the victim understand what he or she is feeling. A person who has been abused often feels upset, depressed, confused and scared. Let him or her know these are normal feelings. Find a private place to speak with the victim and ask open-ended, non-threatening questions. For example, “You seem to be a little down. Would you like to talk about it?”
Don’t make decisions for the victim; rather encourage him or her to seek help. It is usually best to let him or her decide to stay, leave or seek help.
Do not expect a person being abused to make hurried decisions. Many victims choose to stay with the partner in hope that the violence will stop. You can help the individual by providing long-term support and encouragement. Unfortunately, it may take years for the victim to make the decision to leave.
Never discuss the violence in the presence of the abuser. The victim may feel too threatened to speak freely in the presence of his or her abusive partner and if he or she does speak out, the repercussions may be serious.
If the victim does leave the abusive relationship, never pass on information about his or her whereabouts to anyone.
If someone has an obvious physical injury, don’t ignore it; ask him or her about it as sensitively as possible. If the individual insists that the injury was caused by an accident, all you can do is indicate that you feel this may not be the case and that you would be willing to listen if he or she wanted to discuss it now or in the future.
Take action to ensure the safety of the abused person regardless of whether he or she stays in the relationship or leaves. Inform the victim of options available for support such as seeking legal advice, joining a support group, filing assault charges, obtaining a restraining order, planning an escape or making a plan to alert neighbors.
Provide the victim with information on how to access community or employer-sponsored resources and encourage him or her to seek counseling. For information on organizations that assist victims of domestic violence, please see the “Helpful Resources” section at the end of this document.
Help the victim develop a safety plan and offer to be the “trusted person” identified in the “Staying Safe” section above who keeps items on hand, etc.
Are You At Risk of Becoming Abusive?
Even if you do not think of yourself as an abusive person, there are some warning signs that may indicate you are hurting someone you love. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence recommends asking yourself the following questions:

Has my partner told me that my words or actions hurt him or her?
Has my partner asked me to stop those hurtful words or actions?
Have I ever used force or threats to make my partner do something that he or she didn’t want to do?
Have I ever used force or threats to prevent my partner from doing something he or she wanted to do?
Has my partner complained that I have pressured him or her into unwanted sexual activities?
Has my partner complained that I control or dominate his or her life in unwanted ways?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, of if you feel that you may potentially hurt yourself or someone else, seek help immediately. Contact a mental health professional, the police or one of the helpful resources below.

    HELPFUL RESOURCES       
To learn more about what you can do to meet the President’s Challenge for a Healthier US and to help yourself, your family, friends, co-workers and employees enjoy a healthier lifestyle visit these websites:

American Bar Association Commission on
Domestic Violence
740 15th Street, N.W.
9th Floor
Washington, D.C. 20005
www.abanet.org/domviol/home.html

This site offers a wealth of information and statistics on domestic violence. It provides resources and contact information for many national and local organizations that can provide attorney referrals, shelter referrals, advocacy programs and other information.

National Center for Victims of Crime
2000 M Street, N.W., Suite 480
Washington, D.C. 20036
800-FYI-CALL (800-394-2255)
TTY: 800-211-7996
www.ncvc.org

This organization offers crime victims and concerned individuals with practical information on appropriate local services, counseling, advocacy, safety planning, shelters and other supportive services.
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
PO Box 18749
Denver, CO 80218
303-839-1852
www.ncadv.org
NCADV serves as a national information and referral center for the general public, media, battered women and their children. It also offers a list of state coalition offices and telephone numbers you can call to find support and a shelter nearest you.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
PO Box 161810
Austin, Texas 78716
800-799-SAFE (7233)
TDD Hearing Impaired: 800-787-3224
www.ndvh.org

The hotline provides help for domestic violence victims nationwide, 24-hours a day, 365 days a year. The service is toll-free and operates throughout the United States, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands. The web site provides information on domestic violence, a suggested reading list, and additional domestic violence links.

[Caz]

Good post. 

[Bodhisatta2012]

My experience has been that the abused are psychologically, socially and usually financially trapped in the situation.  They continue to forgive and forget until they are seriously injured or dead as a result of the abuse.  The difficulty in breaking the cycle of abuse is of course controling the actions of the abuser.  From my experience the most effective way is to use the force of law.  If the force of law fails, then the next best thing is to literally kidnap kit and kin and move to a safe and unknown location to the abuser and to any public agencies so that they cannot be traced.  Barring that, there are Machiavellian solutions, which cannot be discussed in a Buddhist forum.

[Yeshe Zopa]

That is very wise advice.

I chose intervention twice - called the police and things got worse, and on the other occasion physically intervened and things got better as the guy disappeared.

On both occasions I regard my actions as a failure, for the reasons below.  That doesn't mean I regret all of it, but that it was mostly ineffective.

On the first occasion, unless you call the police with hard evidence they ignore it - harsh but true.  At least now the abused party does not have to press charges, but they still need evidence.  So in revenge the abuse became worse.  At that point I seriously considered making the guy disappear with some friends of mine for a one way trip to the bottom of the River Mersey.  Eventually , when she was ready, and not before, the relationship ended.  Afterwards I was told that, almost like addictions, the victim has to be ready to stop and nobody else can really step in and succeed.

On the other occasion it was a matter of extreme violence, and in the days when the victim had to agree to press charges and testify.  She was too scared and I'm afraid I deliberately turned the guy's violence on to myself and caused him a great deal of pain and regret. He left the area that night and was never seen again.  I should have let him beat the crap out of me and go to jail for it, maybe. But what about 2 years later when he would be released?  It ws not really a success, as somewhere he may well have other victims.

The advice is good, and I hope nobody here has to use it.  Bearing in mind the dreadful statistics for domestic violence, it may be worth copying and placing somewhere safe - as one day a close relative or friend may need your help.

[heybai]

Wise words, gentlemen.  I put this thread int he "Metta" section quite deliberately.  It's easy enough to know what to do, or to get thoughtful advice from others, about many of the hardships life throws our way.  Not so easy to know what to do when domestic violence is concerned -- what exactly is the loving thing to do, for all concerned?  I sincerely doubt that most of these situations can be handled without some added pain to someone, even when our principles (as Buddhists or just plain old decent human beings) are kept in mind.

Whenever I hear figures about the number of girls and women who have been beaten and abused, I am startled by the statistics.  The numbers vary from place to place, and from culture to culture, but my guess is most females have  at least feared for their safety, and all too many have been on the receiving end of male violence.

As part of of our Dharma practice, I think it behooves us to ask: "As a Buddhist, if faced with this situation, how would I act?"  In my estimation, almost any physically or verbal action that removes the woman from the path of further harm is likely to end in a better result than inaction.  But the possibilities for complication and additional misery, as you have noted, are always present.

Metta,
Heybai

[santamonicacj]

Mention also should be made of child abuse and senior abuse. It is possible to bully a senior into submission verbally and take advantage of them financially. That is still senior abuse is the state that I live in. Child abuse can be direct abuse, child neglect, or child endangerment.

In Dharma I do not think that there is a clear threshold as to when to intervene unless there is a call for help. We have to use our best judgment I think. Only a Buddha that sees all the karma at play can know definitively what is the best action to take. Until then we must muddle along as best we can.

[Hanzze]

Akkoso Sutta: Abuse

... Now Akkosaka[1] of the Bhaaradvaaja Brahmans heard [of this.][2] Angry and displeased, he went to see the Blessed One, overwhelming him with abuse and reproaches. At these words the Blessed One said: "What do you think, brahman? Do you receive visits from friends and colleagues, blood-relations and others?"

"Yes, good Gotama, sometimes such people come."

"What do you think? Do you serve them with solid food, soft food and savories?"

"Yes, good Gotama, sometimes."

"But supposing, brahman, they do not accept what you offer, whose is it?"

"If they do not accept, good Gotama, then it belongs to us."

"So it is here, brahman. The abuse, the scolding, the reviling you hurl at us who do not abuse or scold or revile, we do not accept from you. It all belongs to you, brahman, it all belongs to you! If a man replies to abuse with abuse, to scolding with scolding, to reviling with reviling, brahman, that is like you joining your guests for dinner. But we are not joining you for dinner. It is all yours, brahman, it is all yours!"

"The king and his court believe that Gotama the recluse is an Arahant. And yet the good Gotama can get angry!"[3]

[The Blessed One said in verse:]
How could anger rise in him who's free,
 Wrathless, all his passions tamed, at peace,
 Freed by highest insight, by himself,
 So abiding, perfectly serene?
If a man's abused and answers back,
Of the two he shows himself the worse.
He who does not answer back in kind,
Celebrates a double victory.
From his action both sides benefit,
He himself and his reviler too:
Understanding that man's angry mood,
He can help him clear it and find peace.[4]
He's the healer of them both, because
He and the other benefit thereby.
People think a man like that's a fool,
For they cannot understand the Truth.

[Akkosaka responds exactly as in SN 7.1]

And another Venerable Bhaaradvaaja became an Arahant.

Notes

1.    Really a nickname: "The Reviler."
2.    [Transcriber's note: Elided text refers to an incident in which a clansman of Akkosaka becomes a monk under the Buddha. See SN 7.1.]
3.    A perfect example of projection on Akkosaka's part!
4.    Upasammati, "he (the other) becomes calm," i.e., as a result of the first ones understanding. Here, as elsewhere, we see the Buddha's profound understanding of psychological processes. Cf. Dhp 4.

"Akkoso Sutta: Abuse" (SN 7.2), translated from the Pali by Maurice O'Connell Walshe. Access to Insight, 17 June 2010, http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn07/sn07.002.wlsh.html . Retrieved on 13 October 2011.