Author Topic: New Buddhist  (Read 368 times)

Offline MickeyNDY

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New Buddhist
« on: November 27, 2016, 04:29:12 pm »
I am 52 years old and live in The United States in the state of Florida.
I have been studying diligently and aspire to one day become a nun. But, I have so much catching up to do. There's so much information out there I feel like I'm swimming in circles. I learn best in a classroom situation all this reading is confusing.

When I was a child I can remember having such clarity of mind that I could close my eyes and see so many beautiful things and so many scary things. Somewhere along the line that ability left me as it does with so many. When I was a teen, I began my search to regain what I had lost. I tried concentration meditation. I tried astral projection techniques. Then, I began exploring pagan religions and metaphysics. I got nowhere. As a young adult, I turned to drugs and alcohol desperate still to regain my inner sight. Fortunately, I found no solace in those either and left those behind. All during that time, I cared for others. I cared for my ailing father, I cared for my neighbor who had Parkinson's disease, I cared for my husband who was a drug-addicted alcoholic, I cared for my partner who had cancer. Since then, I've been living in the fog of depression and never satisfied with my life. Until now, that is. I realize that my personal search was for was for selfish reasons.

Now I am a full-time caregiver for an elderly lady. While I was with her on holiday in New York City, I met a Buddhist monk in Central Park. He gave me my first set of mala beads. The act of kindness between the monk and I awakened something within me. I began reading the Dharma and now I attend The Heart Sutra every week on my day off. (I work 6 days a week)Turning my life towards loving kindness has not only changed me but my client as well. Her demeaned has changed.

The only thing I lack now is the discipline and determination to meditate daily. I have plenty of time to myself but I always find something silly to do rather than meditate.
I keep having thoughts and feelings that I need to be closer to a Sangha where I can spend more time in study but then I would have to leave my job and find a new one that would allow more personal time. I don't even know where to go to seek refuge and truly dedicate my life.

What I really need is sensible advice. I look to this virtual Sangha for help. Thank you.

May all beings gain enlightenment.

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