Author Topic: What is falling-in-love?  (Read 4005 times)

Offline humanitas

  • buddha's om-girl
  • Member
  • Posts: 2326
    • View Profile
What is falling-in-love?
« on: December 27, 2009, 05:46:53 pm »
From a Buddhist perspective and in Buddhist terms, what is falling in love?
« Last Edit: December 27, 2009, 06:46:02 pm by 0gyen Chodzom »
This post was made with 100% recycled karma

Offline justsit

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
    • View Profile
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2009, 06:51:50 pm »
I once heard a Buddhist teacher describe "falling in love" as "vomiting your projections onto someone else."
Sounds about right.

Offline humanitas

  • buddha's om-girl
  • Member
  • Posts: 2326
    • View Profile
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2009, 06:59:56 pm »
Last night I had a really strange and intense dream where I was falling in love with this dream figure, and I told him, "I have fallen in love with you, now my only cure is to know you."  It was so strange, it was like if I went with it, this "falling in love" thing, the only "remedy" that would cure this infatuation phase of my idealization of this figure was to really get to know his nature.  But his nature is inherently no different than my nature and by knowing my beloved (the dream-figure) I'd realize I was just a person suffering romanticizing another person suffering and maybe making them suffer more...?  :sigh: I don't think I'm explaining this very well...   /:)  Anyway, basically I woke up with this inner question, "What IS this falling-in-love?" is it a phenomenon which is inherently empty (as in having so many conditional causes)?  Is it something Buddhists acknowledge as a wonderful part of being human?  Is it something Buddhists acknowledge as a terrible part of being human?  What is the view on this experience capable of being shared by virtually any human being?
« Last Edit: December 27, 2009, 08:15:58 pm by 0gyen Chodzom »
This post was made with 100% recycled karma

TMingyur

  • Guest
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2009, 08:33:43 pm »
I once heard a Buddhist teacher describe "falling in love" as "vomiting your projections onto someone else."
Sounds about right.
That seems to be the negative perspective. From a "more positive" (or "neutral"?) perspective one might say "falling in love is one (of several) expressions of human beings natural inclination to devotionally adjust itself to what is other than itself."
The source of this "natural inclination" may be an intuitive distrust in what is experienced as "self".
« Last Edit: December 27, 2009, 08:40:12 pm by TMingyur »

overmyhead

  • Guest
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #4 on: December 27, 2009, 08:45:21 pm »
(note:  This has nothing to do with familial/plutonic love, only "falling in love" love.)  A while ago I put some thought and experimentation into this.  I came to the tentative conclusion that falling in love is a positive feedback loop.  The first step is the perception that the ME object intensely approves of the YOU object, and the YOU intensely approves of the Me.  This sets up YOU and ME as mutually reinforcing mental objects, reverberating each others brilliance like mirrors.  The ME validates itself through YOU, and the YOU validates itself through the ME.  Left unchecked, these two objects become everything, and nothing else matters.

The process is dependent on the YOU and ME objects being mirror-like reflections of each other, as this is part of how they come to be perceived as intensely approving one another.  The process breaks down as the YOU and ME objects differentiate, and cease to reflect approval on each other.

This is just a theory.  Take it with a grain of salt.

Offline caritas

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
    • View Profile
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #5 on: December 28, 2009, 12:02:30 am »
From a Buddhist perspective and in Buddhist terms, what is falling in love?
which buddhist perspective

Offline Arya-Shraman

  • Member
  • Posts: 130
  • Karuna,Kshama,Shanti. Compassion,Forgiving,Peace.
    • View Profile
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #6 on: December 28, 2009, 02:21:48 am »
I think it depends upon what you fall in love with . For example I can fall in love with my country ,grow a funny mustache and then send people to gas chambers or I can fall in love with stars in night spend my nights observing them and find a meaning to life ...Expressions and Objects of love are are as numerous as those of Life . The more skillful ideas of love have been rewarding to me in my material life.

Offline Wonky Badger

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1439
    • View Profile
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2009, 03:05:30 am »
And then there is "love at first sight" and "growing in love".
At a couple of times in my life I have seen a girl in the street or in a crowd and instantly felt that I would be willing to leave my entire life behind and give my right arm to be with her. Not in a sexual sense but as in following her to the end of the world. Just because. Just like that. Like a bolt of lightning from clear sky. But then there is still some sort of self control, sense of obligation, fear of rejection etc. so I don't approach, the girl disappears and all that is left is a very confusing memory. I don't have an explanation for those intense feelings. Brain short circuit? Something lingering from previous lives?

At other times, you have to spend time with a person to go from indifference to liking to love.

Even if we limit the discussion to the kind of love you fall into, I think that it can still be divided into several different categories that have their own mix of causes.
My actions are my only true belongings.
I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.
My actions are the ground on which I stand.
---
What would Buddha do?

Offline humanitas

  • buddha's om-girl
  • Member
  • Posts: 2326
    • View Profile
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #8 on: December 28, 2009, 11:35:45 am »
which buddhist perspective

Yours... That's the one I'm interested in.
« Last Edit: December 28, 2009, 01:42:47 pm by 0gyen Chodzom »
This post was made with 100% recycled karma

Offline caritas

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
    • View Profile
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #9 on: December 28, 2009, 01:06:13 pm »
which buddhist perspective
Yours... That's the one I'm interested in.
I don't know that this is a particularly Buddhist answer. But for me, falling-in-love is recognition of the awareness of another, which can be known because that awareness has taken you as an object of its own - and in the shared ownership of each awareness for its object, in that moment, you are recognizing your own nature through another, which lets you pierce the veils you use to hide it from yourself (somewhat, more or less, and often with attachment). It is obscured by so many things (about yourself) to which you can attribute this feeling of awareness... in the same way that your own nature is regularly obscured by so many things, every day, that you get caught up in those things, love turns back into daily life, as this awareness becomes an attachment to some things that are shared or distinct.

Love is just a pathway to awakening, but it is not a pathway for those who are not ready to walk upon it toward awakening. In this sense love is not very different from every other object, every other pursuit, every other path: except that because it bridges all of mind and voice and body together, it is very powerful.

http://www.katsandogz.com/onlove.html

Offline Optimus Prime

  • Member
  • Posts: 892
    • View Profile
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #10 on: December 29, 2009, 03:57:13 am »
I'd like to offer some reflections to contemplate.

With love, there are 2 types of love and each is very different:
1.  Romantic love - this is the type of love you usually see between men and women.  Romantic love is actually attachment.  This is a possessive emotion - you see someone who looks cute that you take a liking to.  Then you want to have them as your own - you want them to be yours - therein lies the attachment.  If this type of love is blocked or unreturned- you can really suffer and it can easily turn to hate.
2.  Metta - loving kindness, goodwill - this is an unconditional love - a releasing emotion - it helps you let go.

When learning about metta (as well as the other 3 Heavenly Abidings/Brahmaviharas of compassion, joy and equanimity), there are what's called the near and far enemies of each of the Sublime Abidings:
-  Far enemies are easy to see because they are very different.  The far enemy of metta is anger, i.e., hate, ill-will, aversion.
-  Near enemies are more difficult to recognize because they can seem similar and so, you can easily mistake them.  So what is the near enemy of metta?  It is greed, i.e., attachment.

With regards to romantic love, I remember hearing the statement once, "We love others in order to love ourselves."  In other words, when we see someone that we fall in love with, what we are really falling in love with is how they are making us feel, i.e., the euphoria that we feel when we are around them.  Nothing wrong with that - just understand that if they do something that displeases you or makes you unhappy (e.g., telling you off), you're going to suffer because you've made your happiness dependent on something external to you - them.

Imagine going to someone, "Please always treat me right, please always do things that only pleases me - never do things that make me unhappy?"  Is that possible?  It's a bit silly - but if you think about it, the promise of romantic love is just this - that's what we're looking for in partners - that this wonderful person is going to come into your life and solve all your problems - that your life will be complete.

Now maybe some of us might get lucky and find someone that on the whole is really nice.  But a majority of relationships is based on mere physical attraction.  The thing there is that for someone who is good looking on the outside - absolutely stunning and gorgeous - this does not necessarily also translate to their character as well.  You can get some gorgeous women and they treat their partners like dirt!  (This goes for some good looking men as well)

If you're just infatuated by someone's looks and marry someone just based on that - what happens if they get old and ugly - this can happen within a few years.  Then what's left?  What foundation is left to hold the relationship together then?  It's a very important question to contemplate before you go into marriage.


One interesting question is how do we tell if someone was our wife/husband from previous lives?

This question was put to the revered Thai master, Ajahn Mun.  Here's how he answered:

“It is very difficult to know with any certainty whether or not our love for this person or our relationship with that person has its roots in a mutual affinity developed over many lifetimes. For the most part, people fall in love and get married rather blindly. Feeling hungry, a person’s tendency is to just reach out and grab some food to satisfy that hunger. They will eat whatever is available as long as it is sufficient for their day-to-day needs. The same can be applied to past-life associations as well. Although such relationships are a common feature of life in this world, it is not at all easy to find genuine cases of people who fall in love and get married simply due to a long-standing past-life association. The problem is, the kilesas that cause people to fall in love don’t spare anyone’s blushes, and they certainly don’t wait patiently to give past-life affinities a chance to have a say in the matter first. All the kilesas ask is that there be someone of the opposite sex who suits their fancy – that’s enough for passion to arise and impulsively grab a hold. Those kilesas that cause people to fall in love can turn ordinary people into ‘fighters’ who will battle desperately to the bitter end without respect for modesty or moderation, no matter what the consequences might be. Even if they see they have made a mistake, they will still refuse to admit defeat. Even the prospect of death cannot make them abandon their fighting style. This is what the kilesas that cause people to fall in love are all about. Displaying themselves conspicuously in people’s hearts, they are extremely difficult to control.

“Anyone who wants to be a reasonable, responsible person should avoid giving these kilesas their head, never permitting them to charge on ahead unchecked. So you must exercise enough self-control to insure that, even if you know nothing about your past-life associations, you will still have an effective means of reining in your heart – a means of avoiding being dragged through the mire and down a steep, dark precipice.
Unless you are an accomplished meditator with an aptitude for perceiving various types of phenomena, you will find it very difficult to access knowledge about your past lives. Whatever the case, you must always have enough presence of mind to maintain proper self-control. Don’t let those offensive kilesas burst their banks, pouring out like flood waters with no levee to contain them. Thus you will be able to avoid sinking deep into the great quagmire of unbridled love.”

- p290 Venerable Acariya Mun Bhuridatta Thera - A Spiritual Biography by Acariya Maha Boowa Nanasampanno

Offline Optimus Prime

  • Member
  • Posts: 892
    • View Profile
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2010, 05:11:14 am »
Here's an interesting reflection from Ajahn Sumedho:

If you love somebody 
you lead them to enlightenment â€”
you don’t draw them into 
your own defilements.

 
- Ajahn Sumedho
Page xviii - The Pilgrim Kamanita[/i]

Chokyi Wangpo

  • Guest
Re: What is falling-in-love?
« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2010, 09:57:41 pm »
Here's an interesting reflection from Ajahn Sumedho:

If you love somebody 
you lead them to enlightenment â€”
you don’t draw them into 
your own defilements.

 
- Ajahn Sumedho
Page xviii - The Pilgrim Kamanita[/i]
:rockon:

 


SimplePortal 2.3.3 © 2008-2010, SimplePortal