Author Topic: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma  (Read 844 times)

Offline Solodris

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Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« on: December 04, 2017, 05:40:08 am »
This will be the most difficult thing I have ever written about. The onset of my bipolar disorder started when I was 22 years old, from that point it became increasingly difficult to stop drinking alcohol to numb the symptoms of anxiety attacks, impulsivity, hypersexuality, racing mind and uncontrollable manias traded with delusional periods of depression. Addiction became a severe problem, trusting people was difficult because of paranoid delusions. So drinking became an increasing problem, but I managed to quit after a traumatic experience occurred.

My behavior started to become more and more problematic, I was running around intoxicated trying to hide thinking people were following me. Eventually I started harassing the person most dear to me. But there is one thing I don't understand. For some reason, I was using my phone just to clean my head, I was writing text messages to nobody and just put them in the place you put text messages that hasn't been sent and suddenly all hell broke loose. I don't even remember what I wrote. It's probably part of the psychosis though, it has to be, it makes no sense, I did receive treatment with anti-psychotics, but I could hear constant death threats outside my home. It was so intense that I became completely traumatized. Every single moment of my life now, even with the psychosis gone, feels like a horror movie. Seeing a group of people standing by where I usually pick up my newspaper makes me instantly think they're out to get me.

That's when I decided it's time to quit drinking. So a couple of weeks later, my head is still racing with thoughts more often than not, I've recovered from the alcohol detoxification but the trauma won't go away. Life is a nightmare and everyone is somehow perceived as a possible threat. I go from clinically depressed to out of control horny about 18 times a day. The thoughts are a nightmare, I can't just lie in my bed and think about my day, that's not possible, instead I see scenarios of being sentenced to hell depending on my current actions. A dear friend of mine told me she felt I was a prisoner inside my own body. I don't even take medication for my bipolar.

I can't even open the blinds to my windows because I think someone is spying on me.

I have contemplated suicide but I just can't do it. How am I supposed to move on if I don't even trust professional help? How do you tell your therapist you don't trust him? How am I supposed to trust anyone?

If you excuse me, I'm going to find a closet to hide in.

Offline meez

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2017, 11:56:37 am »
Solodris:  I'm sorry you are experiencing all of this, and I sincerely hope you see your way through it.

It seems appropriate at this point to seek professional help with the challenges you've described.  Beyond Buddhism, beyond any other path or way of living, you are in a situation where a doctor needs to intervene.  This may be difficult, and you may go through many different kinds of counseling and/or medication until you find what works best for you, but it's something you must, absolutely, without question do.  I don't know where you are located, but there is help out there, so seek it and don't stop until you have it.

You are a human being and inherently have immeasurable value.  You are worthy of a good life, and it is possible, even if you don't believe that right now.  Give someone (a professional) the opportunity to help you.   Please.

If you plan on commenting, and your post does not include words of encouragement or something like a recommendation on how Solodris should or can find help, do not post.  I'm serious, you'll never visit this forum again.

Offline ground

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2017, 03:54:54 pm »
Solodris, obviously you cannnot access the basic buddhist view of no-self. I can't offer advice. It is as it is.  :fu:
« Last Edit: December 04, 2017, 03:57:42 pm by ground »

Offline Rahul

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2017, 02:15:15 am »
Quote
In reference to the seen, there will be only the seen. In reference to the heard, only the heard. In reference to the sensed, only the sensed. In reference to the cognized, only the cognized. That is how you should train yourself. When for you there will be only the seen in reference to the seen, only the heard in reference to the heard, only the sensed in reference to the sensed, only the cognized in reference to the cognized, then, Bāhiya, there is no you in connection with that. When there is no you in connection with that, there is no you there. When there is no you there, you are neither here nor yonder nor between the two. This, just this, is the end of stress.

... that there is nothing to gain, that there is nothing to lose, when one realizes this, it will be the end of all fears.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/ud/ud.1.10.than.html

Offline Solodris

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2017, 03:10:44 am »
Thank you, meez, for the immeasurable display of empathy.

Thank you, gound, for making me believe in myself using reverse psychology. It did spark an understanding.

Thank you, Rahul, that was one of the most helpful and interesting suttas I have ever read.

Offline ground

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2017, 10:35:00 pm »
0
« Last Edit: December 06, 2017, 06:47:16 am by ground »

Offline ground

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2017, 11:04:44 pm »
0
« Last Edit: December 06, 2017, 06:47:35 am by ground »

Offline meez

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2017, 02:40:27 am »
Ground - Do you believe your posts fall within the the confines of the following? 


"If you plan on commenting, and your post does not include words of encouragement or something like a recommendation on how Solodris should or can find help, do not post.  I'm serious, you'll never visit this forum again."

Offline ground

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2017, 06:46:52 am »
Ground - Do you believe your posts fall within the the confines of the following? 


"If you plan on commenting, and your post does not include words of encouragement or something like a recommendation on how Solodris should or can find help, do not post.  I'm serious, you'll never visit this forum again."

The visual expression of my posts did imply recommendations. But obviously the linguistic expression did not match your expectation in the context of what is commonly called 'recommendation' which is why you're asking. Therefore considering the non-importance of empty linguistic expressions and to avoid misunderstanding arising from this instance of emptiness the form of the expression has been dissolved into its nature symbolized by '0'.  :fu:

Offline meez

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2017, 12:15:54 pm »
Ground - Do you believe your posts fall within the the confines of the following? 


"If you plan on commenting, and your post does not include words of encouragement or something like a recommendation on how Solodris should or can find help, do not post.  I'm serious, you'll never visit this forum again."

The visual expression of my posts did imply recommendations. But obviously the linguistic expression did not match your expectation in the context of what is commonly called 'recommendation' which is why you're asking. Therefore considering the non-importance of empty linguistic expressions and to avoid misunderstanding arising from this instance of emptiness the form of the expression has been dissolved into its nature symbolized by '0'.  :fu:

No.

Offline ground

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2017, 03:57:25 pm »
Ground - Do you believe your posts fall within the the confines of the following? 


"If you plan on commenting, and your post does not include words of encouragement or something like a recommendation on how Solodris should or can find help, do not post.  I'm serious, you'll never visit this forum again."

The visual expression of my posts did imply recommendations. But obviously the linguistic expression did not match your expectation in the context of what is commonly called 'recommendation' which is why you're asking. Therefore considering the non-importance of empty linguistic expressions and to avoid misunderstanding arising from this instance of emptiness the form of the expression has been dissolved into its nature symbolized by '0'.  :fu:

No.

Perfect.  :fu:

Offline Anemephistus

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2017, 09:55:51 pm »
This will be the most difficult thing I have ever written about. The onset of my bipolar disorder started when I was 22 years old, from that point it became increasingly difficult to stop drinking alcohol to numb the symptoms of anxiety attacks, impulsivity, hypersexuality, racing mind and uncontrollable manias traded with delusional periods of depression. Addiction became a severe problem, trusting people was difficult because of paranoid delusions. So drinking became an increasing problem, but I managed to quit after a traumatic experience occurred.

My behavior started to become more and more problematic, I was running around intoxicated trying to hide thinking people were following me. Eventually I started harassing the person most dear to me. But there is one thing I don't understand. For some reason, I was using my phone just to clean my head, I was writing text messages to nobody and just put them in the place you put text messages that hasn't been sent and suddenly all hell broke loose. I don't even remember what I wrote. It's probably part of the psychosis though, it has to be, it makes no sense, I did receive treatment with anti-psychotics, but I could hear constant death threats outside my home. It was so intense that I became completely traumatized. Every single moment of my life now, even with the psychosis gone, feels like a horror movie. Seeing a group of people standing by where I usually pick up my newspaper makes me instantly think they're out to get me.

That's when I decided it's time to quit drinking. So a couple of weeks later, my head is still racing with thoughts more often than not, I've recovered from the alcohol detoxification but the trauma won't go away. Life is a nightmare and everyone is somehow perceived as a possible threat. I go from clinically depressed to out of control horny about 18 times a day. The thoughts are a nightmare, I can't just lie in my bed and think about my day, that's not possible, instead I see scenarios of being sentenced to hell depending on my current actions. A dear friend of mine told me she felt I was a prisoner inside my own body. I don't even take medication for my bipolar.

I can't even open the blinds to my windows because I think someone is spying on me.

I have contemplated suicide but I just can't do it. How am I supposed to move on if I don't even trust professional help? How do you tell your therapist you don't trust him? How am I supposed to trust anyone?

If you excuse me, I'm going to find a closet to hide in.

Solodris, some personal experience. First, go to a professional for help, do this as soon as possible and do not hesitate! Please understand that even if you do not trust them, they want to help.  Tell them you do not trust them, tell them why, then listen. Remember a person who does not know you and has nothing to gain has no reason to lie.

The skin crawling panic that sets in and make us want to die is temporary but your survival is the most important thing. The trauma of simply being in too much pain can make a madness of it's own.  I have not seen your face and I do not know you, but I have heard the call you are hearing and It is critical for you to go to a clinic and tell them how you feel asap.  It does not matter if you can not pay when you are thinking of hurting yourself, just go, tell them,  they will help.

Second, always paranoia and anxiety have an underlying "why" people want to get us that drives at us and we attribute it to our actions, our person, or some other thing about us that we have in our sphere of life.  Whatever you are telling yourself, however bad you think it is, I swear to you others have felt this and they have done worse, I know this because I have personally met men who have done the things we all fear will happen. I walk in a prison literally for my livelihood, and you do not need to draw equivalency to such a place for yourself, but even if you did feel that you might end up there, it is not life ending, and the men who go come out again and they live their lives onward, it is not death.  Traumatic anxiety is a liar and tell us that  whatever we see as the worst case is the end, life goes on past whatever it shows us, and the worst case is almost never the most likely, but often with paranoia we feel that it is, it also lies. 

I am an addict with around 15 years sober, I used many types of substance. I might suggest along with immediate professional help you seek a good Narcotics anonymous or Alcoholics anonymous group once you enter therapy. I am happy to see you back, I am glad you felt you could share your trouble, I have hope you will take the wise council of Meez and give credence to the advice to get help.

I have a therapist, I take medication, I was afraid of telling another person why I felt the way I did. I am here, typing, and I hope you will use my experience to your advantage so that you may do the same and be here for a person in the future who will need you.  You matter, it is okay to be suffering, what you do with it matters, and professionals are very good at helping you transform that into a better state.

-With love and compassion and with all the good Karma of the universe I pray the path before your feet be made smooth by wise actions and council, and that the tools for all your troubles are to be found close at hand. Go, get help, and feel no shame or fear for it.
 :buddha:




Offline Rahul

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #12 on: December 06, 2017, 11:41:57 pm »
Quote

Appamado amatapadam
pamado maccuno padam
appamatta na miyanti
ye pamatta yatha mata.

- Dhammapada 2.21


Mindfulness is the path to the deathless.
Lack of mindfulness is the path to the death.

Mindful ones do not die.
Those who lack mindfuless are as if already dead.

Be mindful, my friend. It will uncover all the lies of the existence and the games of the mind. It will bring fearlessness and equanimity. "Strive with mindfulness", that was Buddha's last advice right before he left the world.

Offline Solodris

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #13 on: December 07, 2017, 06:54:02 am »
I just want to say that I'm so grateful over the advice that's been given. It feels like I've started to process the trauma, it doesn't feel like a helpless situation anymore. I have a doctors appointment soon, and I'm going to ask for therapy. The worst thing about Bipolar Disorder though, is that people keep being annoyed or worried about your behavior, and it just seems to exacerbate the symptoms because of stress. But beyond that, all I'm really wondering about is that it feels sometimes as if I have to do something or something bad will happen. Almost like a flashback. I feel a lot better thanks to all of you.

Offline Anemephistus

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Re: Bipolar disorder and psychological trauma
« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2017, 08:16:57 am »
I just want to say that I'm so grateful over the advice that's been given. It feels like I've started to process the trauma, it doesn't feel like a helpless situation anymore. I have a doctors appointment soon, and I'm going to ask for therapy. The worst thing about Bipolar Disorder though, is that people keep being annoyed or worried about your behavior, and it just seems to exacerbate the symptoms because of stress. But beyond that, all I'm really wondering about is that it feels sometimes as if I have to do something or something bad will happen. Almost like a flashback. I feel a lot better thanks to all of you.

 <3
I get that feeling, its just a feeling, keep moving in the right direction :)

 


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