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Lifestyle - it takes a village... => Experiences of everyday life => Buddhists in Recovery => Topic started by: Solodris on November 27, 2016, 04:56:11 am

Title: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Solodris on November 27, 2016, 04:56:11 am
So here I am, after ordering 4 different psycho-active substances from the net, I get myself drunk, and go out to talk to strangers downtown asking if anyone has anything to sell. After a couple of "It is forbidden." and "That's illegal." I finally met a stranger who happened to be drunk as well. He had a piece of Cannabis, but no paper to roll it into a joint, so we walk around and after a while we find another dude. I ask him if he can get me some powder, next thing I know I'm ridiculously high having a fun and active conversation with two complete strangers I met on the street in the middle of the night. The surprising thing is, I have Asperger Syndrome, and had never been this socially outgoing as I was this night, and I had fun too!

We exchanged phone numbers and parted ways. I was walking fast from the bus stop to my apartment as the anticipation of two lines of snow white powder going up my nostrils was an ever diminishing pain as the distance shrunk. Finally I was home, drunk, high and about to do two lines. After I did the lines, I walked over to my computer and literally sat and wrote on the internet for 15 hours straight. This was some good quality powder, no doubt.

So, I suppose some of you know me from the "I have attained enlightenment!" thread. That thread is the biggest embarrassment of my life. I have Asperger Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, social phobia, atypical depression, generalized anxiety syndrome, addiction syndrome, alcoholism and Borderline Personality Disorder. My life has been on the border between being hospitalized and home for about 10 years now. I take 12 different pills a day just to function. My life is like Murphy's law: If something can go wrong, I will make sure damn it gets done wrong, and not just in an accidental way, I mean like in a manic frenzy, obsessively exploring the suffering that is unraveled by my reckless and intoxicated behavior pushing the limits of people around me. And that's how you ended up with a "I have attained enlightenment!" thread.

The thing is, I'm so glad I found Buddhism though, because without it I would have been not only lost as a creature but as a soul. I recently figured out intense fasting meditation, where you purify your mind from the defilement's that is more apparent because of the hunger. Helped me be more relaxed, use less profanity, drop obsessive compulsive thoughts, made me less anxious and more stable in my mood, and most of all, less prone to lashing out emotionally. What I'm working on right now with my mind is mainly increasing my humility, I'm not quite sure how to do that though.

But even though I'm pretty experienced in meditation, as you can see, my greed is going to cause a complete train-wreck with all those drugs coming to my mailbox. Am I incurable?

I'm going to see my psychiatrist in 3 days. He's going to talk about putting me on amphetamines for my ADHD which I desperately need because otherwise everything is so boring that out of pure desperation I just do the stuff you just read about to feel like time is moving. But he can absolutely NOT see me intoxicated because that could potentially make him discontinue some of my medication. And I need them all. Right now I possess enough amphetamines to stay awake for an entire week and develop a full-blown mania. The desire is so strong, I can't resist the temptation of tasting the sweet nectar that is the chemically induced euphoria that comes with each line I do.

Oh, and there's another big problem: I live in an apartment that is classified as a component of a group home for disabled individuals. It's a perfectly normal apartment building, the only difference is I have staff available 24-hours a day that helps me with anything I want. They have their office in an apartment in the same building, but the social services made up these rules that I have to go over to their office and pick up my medicine, every day at 8 AM and 8 PM, just so they can see I'm actually taking it. This gives me indescribable anxiety when I'm tweaked on stimulants, haven't eaten or slept in 2 days and show up there with dilated pupils, alcohol-breath, shaking from anxiety, dropping pills as I take them, make small talk without them noticing I'm barely keeping it together. It takes like 30 seconds, and then when I'm home again it's a huge relief to have gotten it over with. But this is a great cause of suffering for me. Any ideas about this one would be much appreciated.

This is basically my life: Depression, talks to no one, then bored, turned to desperation and a drug binge peaks my mental and social activity which results in threads like this followed by a train-wreck. Sometimes followed by kung fu, yoga and meditation, but it always breaks into a drug binge eventually.

The only positive thing in my life is that I have found a girl more beautiful than words can describe, and she worships my intelligence, which is a bit of a weakness of mine since I am a little over-perceptive of my own abilities being somewhat different when it comes to how other people acquire and apply knowledge. I haven't seen her in a while though, but she's like me, she has the insanity condition too. She too over-binges on drugs just to completely switch to a super healthy life style like I do, but I'm teaching her meditative techniques, and mindfulness to lessen her greed. So that we may meet at some point, without circumstances holding us apart, just like the treatment homes did when we were at two different rehabilitation homes, but now we live in the same city!

Any compassionate advice would be deeply appreciated. May the compassion of bodhisattvas have mercy on my soul. :pray:
Title: Re: My insanity condition
Post by: zafrogzen on November 27, 2016, 07:48:35 am
I'm not a psychiatrist, but my experience is that uppers, like coke and amphetamines, just make the extreme ups and downs you describe worse. Plus they're addictive.

I've found that exercise, especially weight lifting, but yoga is good too, will cause the body to produce healing chemicals on its own. I got through a period of borderline schizophrenia by doing two one hour sessions of strenuous yoga, combined with samatha breath-counting, every day.

Spending a set amount of time doing strenuous exercise every day and breathing deeply while doing it, is amazingly therapeutic. I do a period of samatha meditation before exercising to calm and focus. Try that once or twice a day, especially first thing before breakfast. I'd be very surprised if such a regimen doesn't give you some stability. Exercise is particularly effective with depression.

I've noticed that once someone gets into the mental health system it's difficult, but not impossible, to get out. I know it sounds simplistic, but regular, consistent exercise, especially weight training, combined with some samatha, can do wonders. You can do it on your own if you really make an effort.

Sex and lots of loving touching can be very therapeutic as well.

Take good care of yourself.
Title: Re: My insanity condition
Post by: Solodris on November 27, 2016, 05:10:22 pm
 :buddha:
Title: Re: My insanity condition
Post by: Solodris on November 27, 2016, 05:36:28 pm
 :buddha:
Title: Re: My insanity condition
Post by: Solodris on November 28, 2016, 05:26:50 am
 :buddha:
Title: Re: My insanity condition
Post by: Vajraheart on December 06, 2016, 10:59:30 pm
Solodris, compassion to you and your struggles with mental health and drug addiction. I also had my initial years of experiences with buddhism wrapped up and in tangled with these very same issues. One thing I can say from my own experience is the worst part about a chemical high is its impermanent nature with is really just oscillating you further away from the middle way because a mind racing wildly in a frenzied chemical induced bliss is about the furthest from true realization you can get. Ego is your God of obsession. Aka Mara. Ego is tricky and will say oh this is it I am really doing phenomenal and I came so learned in buddhism I am like a special great yogi who has transcended the need for precepts or renunciation. However, as you have mentioned a little when the reality of the chemicals impermanence is brought to light and the high fades the depression anxiety and madness and self loathing returns. If you want to help yourself progress along the path it's really vital that you work as you have mentioned on becoming humble as really any practitioner with a little experience under their belt has let go of drugs and made other renunciation and purification practices to stabilize mind. If at any time you have a thought to your own greatness or achievements on the path that is ego, humility and equanimity is a major part of the path, as well as applying the teachings to one's own life. Really just collecting knowledge from books and repeating it to make some fame for yourself or to be seen as having some enlightenment is only going to produce obstacles to authentic practice. What is most wonderful though is through your studies and reading your begining to see this a little and are indeed becoming more humble as shown by posting this honest and open post. An through your studies your able to recognize the good qualities and profound wisdom offered through a Buddhist practice. Try doing purification practices to help with getting off drugs really this is a waste of your time and mind which has the potential to be truely enlightened without the use of chemicals. I also suggest reaching out to your staff in humility and honesty to get some help for the addiction and help managing the withdrawals if you do decide to quit. In no way am I judging we all start somewhere. I started with a glimpse of enlightened mind in the middle of a rave high on pcp, mescaline, and LSD. Over time I met my precious guru and began the slow journey of letting renunciation of the negative habbits to use drugs. I also was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bi-polar, anxiety, depression, and ADHD. But by really applying the teaching to my life and really practicing I have been able to not just let go of street drugs but also I do not require any pharmaceutical medication and anyone just meeting me would not expect this was my past or that I have any illness mentally. So basically I brought my mind with dharma guidence from the hell realm to the human realm now I can work with ordinarily crazy monkey mind instead being an extreeme case. You can also do this it is very possible. Love and prayers.
Title: Re: My insanity condition
Post by: Solodris on December 27, 2016, 12:59:03 pm
I have been hospitalized for weeks and am returning home to realize and practice deep humility, I am grateful for your compassion and understanding. I am sincerely grateful that there even is an online Sangha for me to receive perspective on my own behavior and guidance towards what I should practice. After posting in this forum my understanding of genuine Buddhist practice have changed forever. You should all feel proud to have accepted someone with this form of suffering and having the space to accommodate a healing process that I would understand as a test of your patience.

Metta forever.
Title: Re: My insanity condition
Post by: Solodris on December 29, 2016, 10:24:18 am
Aand I relapsed. I was so immersed in dharma knowledge that the knowledge became more important than the practice.

Now that the practice is established, my first determination is to renounce the stimulants I'm on, practice according to my nature, studying the dharma is a waste of time now that I can't take intoxicants by psychiatrists that would alleviate the supposed conditioned of ADHD.
Title: Re: My insanity condition
Post by: Solodris on December 29, 2016, 10:38:19 am
I'm becoming increasingly frustrated by the fact that I'm caught up in patterns that take away the free will to engage in practice among other beings, I am determined to get out of this Samsaric realm but desire to do such is not enough to produce a result. I now understand the underlying treasure and pray for the blessing of a bodhisattva to put me in the perspective of feeling the need to practice.  :dharma:
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Vajraheart on December 29, 2016, 11:50:16 am
Hi Solodris,
For all Buddhists there are ups and downs or times of falling back to negative habbits patterns. That is very normal do not dispare. When you make a mistake such as relapsing or maybe getting angry or whatever happens. You can practice with that. You can practice with whatever is going on. It is not the case that you must first do somethings to be ready for practice. We must first practice then everything else becomes much easier because through our practice we develope new habbits and reactions. So if you notice you have a period of falling back away from dharma and wholesome behavior then you should feel very happy. In fact because your noticing where as in the past before you had dharma you would have no basis to compare or see this falling back for what it is. Now with dharma your able to see into your habits and patterns. An with dharma you can apply the remedies develope new neuro connections in the brain even. This has been proven scientifically. So if you can notice your moments of falling back then you can practice with that just as you are. Practice being kind and compassionate to yourself understanding the long habbits probably been created in more than one lifetime so compassion for self is a must. Then you can practice shortening the time it takes when you do fall back to getting up and continuing on the path. Practice lessening the time spent being hard on yourself. Over time this will slowly help you be able to let go of the need to be what the perfect image of your buddhist self is and instead you will be practicing more authentically and honestly exactly how you are needing in each moment. Do not judge self harshly. Boddhisatvas and Buddha's are around and they must have love for you and will guide you through. If you can not meet face to face at this time it is simply because it is not best time. But it doesn't mean they are not around or don't have unconditional love and means to help. You can make prayers to them always. Buddha's are especially always around it is in our ignorance only that we can't see them. So pray with faith they hear and see you.
Love and prayers

As long as space remains as long as sentient beings remain may I to remain to dispelled the miseries of the world.

Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Ron-the-Elder on December 30, 2016, 04:54:28 am
Quote
Posted by: Solodris
« on: December 29, 2016, 10:24:18 am » Insert Quote
Aand I relapsed. I was so immersed in dharma knowledge that the knowledge became more important than the practice.

Now that the practice is established, my first determination is to renounce the stimulants I'm on, practice according to my nature, studying the dharma is a waste of time now that I can't take intoxicants by psychiatrists that would alleviate the supposed conditioned of ADHD.

There is a reason for each of the  precepts.  Two are significant to the conditions you are reporting:  "Cause no harm." ....and ..." Avoid the use of substances which affect how our minds work."

As for  your specific conditions with various mental infirmities, we all have mental infirmities, ours just different than yours in variety or degrees of affectation.  That is the reason that medicinal psycho-active drugs were developed, to compensate for what our own neurological systems underproduce, or overproduce so that we may achieve mental balance and live our lives to our benefit and to the benefit of our families and society.

Since understanding how our minds work, one of the main pursuits of Buddhist practice requires a mind in "mental equanimity", a well balanced, stable mind, all that we can otherwise hope to determine under the influence of drugs is that our minds are not balanced and that we need to do something to make adjustments.

In your case, it sounds like you already recognize that you need to do something to restore mental balance, but you find the rewards of "using" more rewarding than "not using".  Therefore, you have a choice to make.  "Stop!..or "Don't stop!" 

As Buddha said to Angulimala, the mass murderer (para):  "The only way to stop is to stop."  Wanting to stop is not stopping.  Planning to stop is not stopping.  Wishing you had stopped is not stopping.  "Only stopping is stopping."   'Simple as that, and in the case of addictions, as difficult as that.

Quote
The Angulimala Sutta says:

Cowherds, shepherds and plowmen passing by saw him taking the road to where Angulimala was, and said: "Do not take that road, monk. On that road is the bandit Angulimala who is murderous, bloody-handed, given to harming and violence; he is merciless to all living beings. Villages and towns and districts are being laid waste by him. He is constantly murdering people, and he wears their fingers as a garland. Men have come along this road in groups of ten, twenty, thirty and even forty from time to time, but still they have fallen into Angulimala's hands."

When this was said, the Blessed One went on in silence. For a second and a third time those people warned him. Still the Blessed One went on in silence.

— MN 86

Angulimala, from his look-out, saw first his mother approaching. Though recognizing her, still the thought arose in him to complete the thousand fingers by killing her. So steeped was his mind in the habit of killing without scruples. At that moment the Buddha appeared on the road between Angulimala and his mother. Seeing him, Angulimala thought: "Why should I kill my mother for the sake of one finger when there is someone else? Let her live." So he was still moved by merely seeing his mother, though he was not aware that she had gone that hard road out of love for him. To forsake getting his mother's finger was, of course, made easier for him when he saw another figure, that of a monk, approach. He did not know, however, that it was a similar offense against the most sacred in life to kill an ascetic, a monk. He was only concerned with completing his thousand fingers.

The Sutta says:

Now Angulimala took up his sword and shield and buckled on his bow and quiver and he followed behind the Blessed One.

Then the Blessed One performed such a feat of supernormal power that the bandit Angulimala, going as fast as he could, was unable to catch up with the Blessed One, who was walking at his normal pace. Then he thought: "It is marvelous! Formerly I caught up with even a galloping elephant and seized it; I caught up with even a galloping horse and seized it; I caught up with even a galloping chariot and seized it; I caught up with even a galloping deer and seized it. But yet, though I am going as fast as I can, I am unable to catch up with this monk who is walking at his normal pace." He stopped and called "Stop, monk! Stop, monk!"

"I have stopped, Angulimala. Do you stop, too."

Then the bandit Angulimala thought: "These monks, followers of the Sakya scion, speak truth, assert truth; but though this monk is walking, yet he says 'I have stopped, Angulimala; do you stop, too.' Suppose I question the monk?"

Then he addressed the Blessed One in stanzas thus:

"While you are walking monk, you tell me you have stopped;
But now, when I have stopped, you say I have not stopped.
I ask you now, O monk what is the meaning of it;
How is it you have stopped and I have not?"

(The Blessed One:)
"Angulimala, I have stopped for ever,
Foreswearing violence to every living being;
But you have no restraint towards things that breathe;
So that is why I have stopped and you have not."

When Angulimala heard these words, a second and greater change of heart came over him. He felt as if the current of his suppressed nobler and purer urges had broken through the dam of hardened cruelty that had been built up through habituation in all those last years of his life. Angulimala felt now deeply moved by the appearance and the words of the Buddha.

Angulimala's response and what followed is again tersely told in the Sutta:

(Angulimala:)
"Oh, at long last a sage revered by me,
This monk, has now appeared in the great forest;
Indeed, I will for sure renounce all evil,
Hearing your stanzas showing the Dhamma."

So saying, the bandit took his sword and weapons
And flung them in a gaping chasm's pit;
The bandit worshipped the Sublime One's feet,
And then and there asked for the Going-forth.
The Enlightened One, the Sage of Great Compassion,
The Teacher of the world with all its gods,
Addressed him with these words "Come bhikkhu,"
And that was how he became to be a bhikkhu.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Solodris on February 03, 2017, 03:17:05 am
Crippling anxiety

After more time spent being hospitalized and following rehabilitation routine, I recognize myself suffering from severe anxiety, avoiding social constellations based on feelings of guilt and shame remembering past behaviors. I realize that using made me reckless and so I kept using to avoid the suffering of facing my past mistakes. The next step to perpetuate sobriety is approaching social conventions, simply being sober while seeking them out. Relearning what it means to cultivate a healthy communicative practice. This is turning out to be a story of success, I suppose.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: stillpointdancer on February 03, 2017, 04:27:26 am
I've been studying a lot of therapies which involve some form of mindfulness practice. Jon Kabat-Zinn started it off with his Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction programme, but there are lots of others available. One interesting study in Ireland by R. Meacham at Sláinte Drug
and Alcohol Services, Limerick, claimed to reduce relapse rates using mindfulness by bringing choice back to the individual. In his words 'they accepted the irrevocable responsibility that is theirs, to choose', with mindfulness practice creating a space for the choice. Hope this helps
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Solodris on February 16, 2017, 02:33:06 am
Thanks, it helped me with quitting smoking. Sincerely!

So, I got home from the hospital yesterday. I've already been awake since then, smoking research chemicals while practicing the manifestation of the Wrath of Gundari. Pray that I will never encounter the circumstances that invoke it.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: zafrogzen on February 16, 2017, 08:45:59 am

Ron wrote --
Quote
As Buddha said to Angulimala, the mass murderer (para):  "The only way to stop is to stop."  Wanting to stop is not stopping.  Planning to stop is not stopping.  Wishing you had stopped is not stopping.  "Only stopping is stopping."   'Simple as that, and in the case of addictions, as difficult as that.

Right on! My addictions are relatively benign, things like chocolate, wine and marijuana. But there always comes a time when I know I’m starting to overdo it. If I’m mindful I can see that time of choice when it arrives -- a brief moment when I can either stop or not stop. Sometimes I fail, but I keep at it, two steps forward, until I’m where I want to be.

It’s not easy for me with my minor habits so I can only imagine what it must be like to be addicted to something like meth or heroin. But I was addicted to cigarettes (supposedly the worst) for a decade when I was young. It took me a full year of intense effort to finally stop. The decision to stop had to really go deep before it could take hold. There was one inner battle after another before stopping finally won the war.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: zafrogzen on February 16, 2017, 08:53:47 am
Oh, and then there's my internet addiction. I should be sitting zazen instead of typing this.
Title: Medical emergency
Post by: Solodris on February 18, 2017, 12:38:30 am
This looks bad, I can't stop smoking the research chemical I bought, the transcendent dimension in the spiritual ecstasy of going into insight meditation while physically falling apart after days of malnutrition and no sleep exposes the deepest blissful connection between object and desire.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Solodris on February 18, 2017, 12:58:50 am
Dancing with the gopis, hinting at divine completion, the mania of Buddha makes no sense but to cause distress. Is he delusional? Is this a lesson?

Having an encyclopedic knowledge about psychology and observing the hyper-sexuality temptation in mania would probably be an epidemic of heart-broken gopis.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Solodris on February 18, 2017, 01:24:29 am
Inhaling a pyrrolidin-cathinone derivate, a process begins that is referred to as NDRI, Norepinephrine- Dopamine- Reuptake Inhibition, the pharmacokinetic reaction resembles that of Cocaine. The main difference though, is that when you combine a pyrrolidine chemical component with cathinone, you have basically hit the gold vein of a synthetic produced stimulant that hits the reward receptors in the brain.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Solodris on February 18, 2017, 05:15:38 am
Issue resolved. Nothing here is worth any attention.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Solodris on March 29, 2017, 02:02:17 am
Hey, I have two questions following my recovery:

1. Is there a noticeable change in my behavior?

2. Am I making beneficial contributions or does something need to change?

Thanks.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: francis on March 29, 2017, 05:54:00 am
Hi Solodris,

To answer your questions.

1. Yes, there has been a noticeable change in your behaviour.

2. Your contributions are making a lot of sense and are beneficial.

Cheers :)
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Solodris on March 31, 2017, 05:17:07 am
Thank you francis, I really needed to hear that.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Ron-the-Elder on April 04, 2017, 09:27:59 am
Quote
Hi Solodris,

To answer your questions.

1. Yes, there has been a noticeable change in your behaviour.

2. Your contributions are making a lot of sense and are beneficial.

Cheers :)

Ditto +1.  I especially like your poetry.   :hug:
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Solodris on April 09, 2017, 10:58:37 am
The loving-kindness here radiates with me throughout the days.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Anemephistus on September 14, 2017, 11:47:17 am
I cannot claim I own any of this, I did not develop it, its wisdom saved me and resulted in realizations, but those too are covered by others who have made the realizations both first, and possible for others. My experience as I describe it is not really “mine” either, but I share it with you, in the hopes it will benefit you, I invite you to view it and look for what is the same between us instead of different.


Quote
This is basically my life: Depression, talks to no one, then bored, turned to desperation and a drug binge peaks my mental and social activity which results in threads like this followed by a train-wreck. Sometimes followed by kung fu, yoga and meditation, but it always breaks into a drug binge eventually.

"Our habit energy is what causes us to repeat the same behavior thousands of times. Habit energy pushes us to run, to always be doing something, to be lost in thoughts of the past or the future and to blame others for our suffering. And that energy does not allow us to be peaceful and happy in the present moment."

"The practice of mindfulness helps us to recognize that habitual energy. Every time we can recognize the habitual energy in us, we are able to stop and to enjoy the present moment. The energy of mindfulness is the best energy to help us embrace our habit energy and transform it." -- Thich Nhat Hanh

The Satipatthana Sutta will help with developing the practice of mindfulness.


Quote
The only positive thing in my life is that I have found a girl more beautiful than words can describe, and she worships my intelligence, which is a bit of a weakness of mine since I am a little over-perceptive of my own abilities being somewhat different when it comes to how other people acquire and apply knowledge. I haven't seen her in a while though, but she's like me, she has the insanity condition too. She too over-binges on drugs just to completely switch to a super healthy life style like I do, but I'm teaching her meditative techniques, and mindfulness to lessen her greed. So that we may meet at some point, without circumstances holding us apart, just like the treatment homes did when we were at two different rehabilitation homes, but now we live in the same city!

You will not become sober for another person, It may work for awhile but to gain freedom from substance abuse I would relay the following from Alcoholics Anonymous:

1.We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

This was written by Christian Men who were suffering deeply from substance abuse. Their suffering lead them to seek an answer and it has become very sacred to those who practice it because it can, if applied, give you the tools to be free of this cycle of substance related suffering.

I have been exposed to this 12 step philosophy throughout my practice of Buddhism and I do not know where I would be without it, but I do know where am am because of it. You have, from your own sentiments tried your way to stop, and repeatedly found yourself back in this situation. Belief in "god" is not requisite, but if your higher power is the teaching of the Buddha, you must release yourself to it and recognize that it can free you if you turn yourself over to it. You will however need support from those in the same situation.

I too suffered and in some ways still suffer from substance abuse though I am clean now for many years from the drugs which ruined my ability to live happily. I too have a weakness for those who indulge my intellect and I too was on a cycle which I knew was wrong for me but saw no way in which to escape.

 I recall and will for the rest of this lifetime vividly know the pain of withdrawal and the joy of returning to drugs to only find the disappointment I had in myself, and I too suffer from anxiety, fear, and depression from time to time. I too am in this world with you somewhere and you are not alone in how you feel. There are a great many beings who share this pain with you, and they are suffering along side you right now though you do not know their faces or their names.

Quote
Ron the Elder said: In your case, it sounds like you already recognize that you need to do something to restore mental balance, but you find the rewards of "using" more rewarding than "not using".  Therefore, you have a choice to make.  "Stop!..or "Don't stop!"

As Buddha said to Angulimala, the mass murderer (para):  "The only way to stop is to stop."  Wanting to stop is not stopping.  Planning to stop is not stopping.  Wishing you had stopped is not stopping.  "Only stopping is stopping."   'Simple as that, and in the case of addictions, as difficult as that.


This was my personal experience summarized: I had a bad home life, the details would make it sound as though I think it was special, it was not, others have had it worse, but I will say as much as that I was somewhat legally Kidnapped, mentally and physically abused, and I convinced myself that it was a fulcrum upon which I could blame all of my problems and forgive myself for all of the wrong things I was doing.  As a young person I wanted out of my pain, but I could not relate well to others because the circumstances of my home life. The people who were harming me were also much older than the parents of those around me and so I did not identify with my peers.

My peers, as children and young people often are, were cruel. I was dressed funny, I didn't know their music, and I didn't share their interests. I had been taught an arrogant disposition and still struggle with that to this day, so I pretended not to care. Being on the fringe of my peers made me lonely, and I found people who would associate with me in my neighborhood. They were into light drug use and we were all young, and while I knew what they were doing was wrong I wanted friends, and they looked to be having a good time, eventually I joined them. I was thirteen.

By fifteen I had done at least ten different substances, I was having a great time and lying to everyone in my life about one thing or another, I became very skilled at it and could hide much of what i was doing or so I thought. A person who I considered a friend shot a law enforcement officer in the process of robbing a home for drug money. The truth came out and was caught by the people raising me. The results of that were very physically and emotionally painful and I went through my first bought of withdrawals.

Being physically clean and monitored, I made some new friends, may of them I still have, I am fortunate they were forgiving because I lost touch with all of them later for some time...I dropped out of school and went to apprentice under a chef. Life was normal for awhile but then the man who had raised me was caught abusing other children, I had not known of his actions and it came as a shock despite the indications that in retrospect seemed as though it should have been apparent.

I announced to my extended family and to the woman who raised me that that he was guilty and they quickly gave me an option. Let go of it and recognize he was still important or leave. I left, he went to prison. I was seventeen.

   I then dove headlong into drugs, blaming everyone and everything, my mental infirmities, my suffering, everything was caused by someone else and I was entitled to do what I wanted to make it feel better because I was special. I was always afraid to get caught but I kept on going. LSD, Cannabis, Opium, Cocaine, Meth amphetamines, and a host of other substances that were momentary things I tried.

   Several times kind loving people let me spend time with them on the couch trying to get clean, I withdrew, I did things for drugs, I withdrew. Repeat.

   I met a woman who drank, but who like me was trying to get sober. She was aware, but struggling, I was not aware, and struggling. One day after several days of doing several substances I accused her of something she had not done. She became Irate and stormed out, I figured she was another loss for me as I had had so many broken relationships.

   I sat alone and I realized something, the reason I have quoted Ron-The-Elder and what I am trying to convey to you. It is one thing to know that the behavior you are engaging in is hurting you and you should stop. It is another to fully realize that the suffering of continuing the behavior is greater than the suffering of stopping it.

    I looked and I knew for the first time in my life that where ever I went there I would be. I could meet another woman, find another place, imagine all of the ways in which I could travel through life, but the moments of my suffering from this would be upon me again and again unless I did something else that was effective.

   I knew whatever my path, if I was using drugs I was going to end up in some broken place in some suffering of my own creation. I knew there were things in my past that were the fault of others, but I was to blame for holding onto them. I knew that my mental illness and my cerebro-chemical makeup were beyond my control, but it was me who was using them as an excuse instead of seeking help and treatment for them.

    I did not know what to do. But I knew it had to be out there and I hope for the last time, and this time based on a moment of clarity that showed me that all things would remain  the same and were  suffering, which did not outweigh  the suffering I would face temporarily for finding another path I resolved that there must be a way out of this trap, and I did not posses it.

   I went to a few meetings, and I struggled, I went to the book store and I bought my first Buddhist book. “The heart of the Buddha's teaching” By Thich Naht Hahn. I read it and struggled alongside a woman who was suffering similarly to myself. Slowly and with great struggle it became more bearable.
   
   I realized I had run to drugs to cope with things that could be coped with in another way but that I had never developed any method for doing so and when I was happy I would use drugs to celebrate, and when I was sad I would use drugs to cope. I was using drugs when I was happy and sad...that pretty much covered all of the time.

   No amount of wisdom could have saved me before I really recognized I needed to change. Once I recognized the need no amount of work without help and without having the faith that the wisdom I had found from others would get me through my suffering would have been successful. Once I got help all of the effort for applying the information was on me. Every time I got sad I wanted drugs and I kindly said to myself but there is another way! I searched for the way, and I always found it. The Teachings of the Buddha are intellectually beautiful and recognizable as truth, applying them to your life while striving to change while in pain does not feel beautiful. It hurts, a lot, until is doesn't.

   I was clean for a couple of years and had never been in trouble. I needed a good job to start the life I wanted and I went into law enforcement. I raised a family and I bought a house, I have many things that are signs of success from the material world, but my experience is all that I have of value, Look real hard at yourself, reflect, and decide what you need to do. My trail with this is never going to be over, when I am hurt and doctor wants to give me pills I see my past in a bottle. I share with others I see hurting at work because they need help and do not know what to do.

   This is a dangerous path you are on, but there is good news! It can change if you make the decision to do so.  Find help, here, in meetings, with therapists and with family. Let go of what does not help. You can get clean and be free of this. I did, others have, they are not different from you at the core of their being and they will help if you go to them and recognize you must turn over your way for the way of the wisdom you can gather from many sources and let them help.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Solodris on September 14, 2017, 04:31:13 pm
   This is a dangerous path you are on, but there is good news! It can change if you make the decision to do so.  Find help, here, in meetings, with therapists and with family. Let go of what does not help. You can get clean and be free of this. I did, others have, they are not different from you at the core of their being and they will help if you go to them and recognize you must turn over your way for the way of the wisdom you can gather from many sources and let them help.

Then we have truly gained the wisdom of rebirth, repetition by amnesia, conditioning in a closed system of a sphere that will guarantee the determination of one story of success to be heard among the eternal army raised to do nothing but to define the labor that causes misery and violence that the law enforcement have sworn to serve and protect. This will be the one final act of enforcing an eternal law that will serve and protect us both by practical revelation. Envision the spiritual succession of the duty to serve and protect. I suppose I am the succession of law enforcement because if we sit in an eternal graveyard chasing skeletons and refuse to change the ways we protect the citizen of earth, the observable fact that the being knows he is hurting himself on purpose, by a flaw in design. Then the duty is truly obsolete and I will declare the protection of the people by a mere revelation that if laws are even fabricated to be broken then we feel existentially released from following them by darwinian succession.

Intellectual succession is the design of the seers of this undeniable absurd fact, to simply serve and protect ourselves.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Anemephistus on September 14, 2017, 05:40:58 pm
   This is a dangerous path you are on, but there is good news! It can change if you make the decision to do so.  Find help, here, in meetings, with therapists and with family. Let go of what does not help. You can get clean and be free of this. I did, others have, they are not different from you at the core of their being and they will help if you go to them and recognize you must turn over your way for the way of the wisdom you can gather from many sources and let them help.

Then we have truly gained the wisdom of rebirth, repetition by amnesia, conditioning in a closed system of a sphere that will guarantee the determination of one story of success to be heard among the eternal army raised to do nothing but to define the labor that causes misery and violence that the law enforcement have sworn to serve and protect. This will be the one final act of enforcing an eternal law that will serve and protect us both by practical revelation. Envision the spiritual succession of the duty to serve and protect. I suppose I am the succession of law enforcement because if we sit in an eternal graveyard chasing skeletons and refuse to change the ways we protect the citizen of earth, the observable fact that the being knows he is hurting himself on purpose, by a flaw in design. Then the duty is truly obsolete and I will declare the protection of the people by a mere revelation that if laws are even fabricated to be broken then we feel existentially released from following them by darwinian succession.

Intellectual succession is the design of the seers of this undeniable absurd fact, to simply serve and protect ourselves.

Could you clarify please?
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Solodris on September 15, 2017, 06:07:57 pm
   This is a dangerous path you are on, but there is good news! It can change if you make the decision to do so.  Find help, here, in meetings, with therapists and with family. Let go of what does not help. You can get clean and be free of this. I did, others have, they are not different from you at the core of their being and they will help if you go to them and recognize you must turn over your way for the way of the wisdom you can gather from many sources and let them help.

Then we have truly gained the wisdom of rebirth, repetition by amnesia, conditioning in a closed system of a sphere that will guarantee the determination of one story of success to be heard among the eternal army raised to do nothing but to define the labor that causes misery and violence that the law enforcement have sworn to serve and protect. This will be the one final act of enforcing an eternal law that will serve and protect us both by practical revelation. Envision the spiritual succession of the duty to serve and protect. I suppose I am the succession of law enforcement because if we sit in an eternal graveyard chasing skeletons and refuse to change the ways we protect the citizen of earth, the observable fact that the being knows he is hurting himself on purpose, by a flaw in design. Then the duty is truly obsolete and I will declare the protection of the people by a mere revelation that if laws are even fabricated to be broken then we feel existentially released from following them by darwinian succession.

Intellectual succession is the design of the seers of this undeniable absurd fact, to simply serve and protect ourselves.

Could you clarify please?

Understanding the underlying flaw in a behavior could lead a person to comprehend the relation between healthy relationships and healthy behavior. A change in perspective from the illusion of duty to the perseverance of compassion in daily character development.

Edit: Forgive the momentary confusion of mind.
Title: Re: Moving from addiction to connection
Post by: Anemephistus on September 18, 2017, 07:18:05 pm
   This is a dangerous path you are on, but there is good news! It can change if you make the decision to do so.  Find help, here, in meetings, with therapists and with family. Let go of what does not help. You can get clean and be free of this. I did, others have, they are not different from you at the core of their being and they will help if you go to them and recognize you must turn over your way for the way of the wisdom you can gather from many sources and let them help.

Then we have truly gained the wisdom of rebirth, repetition by amnesia, conditioning in a closed system of a sphere that will guarantee the determination of one story of success to be heard among the eternal army raised to do nothing but to define the labor that causes misery and violence that the law enforcement have sworn to serve and protect. This will be the one final act of enforcing an eternal law that will serve and protect us both by practical revelation. Envision the spiritual succession of the duty to serve and protect. I suppose I am the succession of law enforcement because if we sit in an eternal graveyard chasing skeletons and refuse to change the ways we protect the citizen of earth, the observable fact that the being knows he is hurting himself on purpose, by a flaw in design. Then the duty is truly obsolete and I will declare the protection of the people by a mere revelation that if laws are even fabricated to be broken then we feel existentially released from following them by darwinian succession.

Intellectual succession is the design of the seers of this undeniable absurd fact, to simply serve and protect ourselves.

Could you clarify please?

Understanding the underlying flaw in a behavior could lead a person to comprehend the relation between healthy relationships and healthy behavior. A change in perspective from the illusion of duty to the perseverance of compassion in daily character development.

Edit: Forgive the momentary confusion of mind.

There is nothing to forgive, I contemplated the spasm and saw the disruption of thinking that is the confusion you refer to. I decided to wait.

 I once tried the chemical path to enlightenment. I used my minds eye like a telescope into vivid and exciting realms of thought not naturally present in my perception. The altered frames of reference brought revelry and elation that haunt me with desire when I think of them in an untempered and undisciplined state. I was trying to find spiritual power, not anything like we contemplate here. I was also indulgent in many of my own flaws which was made more comfortable by my addiction.

For my addiction, and I can say nothing of you expect that our relative existence shares certain inherency as a function of species, I did not know at the time that I had failed to grasp the danger I was in. For me it was like this:

A car, being made of all relative parts being material and thus subject to all of the things that come with inner-being in a scientifically observable sense could be contemplated for lifetime and was. Each generation making improvements and driven by desire they vulcanized rubber, hardened steel and the car has been the subject of untold amounts of human ingenuity and desire. Lifetimes of man-hours have been spent in the pursuit of what might be considered it's perfection.

It  was good to contemplate all of this and keep it in my perception, it was bad to do it when it was coming at me at 90 miles an hour.

I was in pursuit of something that did not lead to truth, I choose to use an example of something that is more true.  I feel compassion for your suffering with this, I suggest that you use your energy wisely and I have relayed the experience that has thus far worked for me earlier in the thread. 

I get the closed circle of dogmatic practice in the more absolute sense:

I will borrow an example in order to illustrate what I mean, in order to determine if it is what you refer to.

With a broken arm, we can go to a party and have fun, we can run around and while our arm is an inconvenience we wait for it to heal and continue to function more or less normally. Take a broken heart however, there will be no party, we cannot function well, our mind inhabits the past or worries about the future, we are not at peace and simple things become difficult.

So we go back to the car example because we established its material nature. There is an empire of thought constructed though time surrounding it's existence, more importantly, the car is like the arm, physical and simple and something that while we may take advantage of regularly, when it is broken life goes on. But the Momentous thought effort that went into its creation however, the mental realm of the beings who brought it into being that it represents, it would not exist without it and it is far more important than the car.

Understanding the difference between these things is important in my opinion. Seeing them is helpful, but being fixed on them is using them as a distraction when the more subjective experience we are having is full of suffering. Practical application in gaining the tools we need in order to lead to the alleviation of our suffering places us in a position to help others. Helping others improves the thought realms that lead to creation and destruction, all within the closed circle, and all still important in my opinion.

I wish you the very best, and will happily continue to discuss this if you so desire. I see no reason to stop, please, feel free to write plainly, there is nothing to fear in being understood and no shame in expressing the truth weather relative or absolute.  :twocents:

 


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