Author Topic: I'm lost in my practice, someone can help enlighten me?  (Read 446 times)

Offline taidangau

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I'm lost in my practice, someone can help enlighten me?
« on: September 25, 2016, 04:23:02 am »
Last six to seven years, big change in my life (I took this as a bad one), health (tumour), work (failure of business) and family (loss of my beloved ones).

Thanks to my lover who's been supporting me all the way, I made to struggle to live on. Having been unemployed for 2 years, lucky me I found a job in a Chinese Buddhist NGO where I could earn myself a humble living.

I told myself not to think too much about restarting business or my original career, just take a good rest and work in that NGO, while carrying on my own practice of Dharma.

I naively thought at first colleagues working there and monks and nuns I encounter are all Bodhisattvas who have kind heart and are merciful to others. BUT, I was wrong!

Having worked there for almost 2 years, I have not encountered any monks and nuns whom I feel they are kind. Take for instance recently, I picked up a call for a colleague who just left his seat for other stuff, at first I did not know who there was on the phone, until a moment later I asked if I might take a message for him so that I could leave a note to that colleague. The caller was in fact one of our organisation's directors and he was a monk, and he wanted to asked my colleague to do something for him, and I had no idea about that something, thus I could not help coz that something is particularly handled by my colleague.

Yet that monk director apparently yelled on the phone, complaining that why I could not reach out to locate my colleague with a fact that our organisation occupies two floors and each floor occupy about 3000 SF, not too big, yet neither small. I had a very bad feeling about his yelling and complaining, coz, first, I found out later that the thing he wanted my colleague to is NOT URGENT at all, he in fact could just tell me what he actually wanted so that I could write a message to my colleague who could then follow up later. Second, he just did not need to yell and shout over the phone, he could have told me with a "normal" tone, I dun even need him to talk gently and not to mention kindly! So my point is, is it true that one should act and talk and cheat others with kindness? Not to mention this is a universal principle to me for Buddhist or not, and he is a MONK!!!!!!!

Above is just one of the many examples that I have encountered personally, gradually, I lost my faith and trust in so-called monks and nuns!!!!!!

I mean I still believe in Buddha and his teachings, BUT NOT TO SANGHA!!!!! Despite the fact that I had taken refuge in front of the 3 jewels, Buddha of course, Dharma naturally, BUT SANGHA? Sorry, after all those unpleasant experiences, I could hardly believe any sangha, though frankly I really am longing for meeting Kalyāṇa-mittatā, and luckily my root-guru!!!!! Yet, I dare not to go to any centres coz I dun want to be disappointed by any unpleasant encounters with the lamas (I am a tantric Buddhist, and I had gone for quite a few centres since I had taken refuge 3 years ago, perhaps due to my karma, up till now I have not met any lamas and gurus whom I feel I want to get close and learn more dharma teachings from them coz my experience so far I had had is only that they deliver puja perfectly, yet I am longing for dharma that could touch my heart so that I can follow it to practise!)

Due to my experience mentioned above, plus the fact that I did not have pleasant co-operation with my colleagues (who may not necessarily a Buddhist, though again, I naviely thought all my colleagues are kind and easy-going whether he/ she is a Buddhist or not, so long as they work here in this Buddhist NGO, but this again is WRONG!), I had been feeling lost and down, coz feeling alone to do my practice (despite the fact I on and on turned to seek for dharma passages in the web to read and learn, yet, as one may understand, having an actual teaching from others is far more different and effective than my just reading from online), and eventually I gave up, I mean for now since last year, just bcoz I could not settle my mind!!!!!!

Really kind of tired, feeling like a fish on the hook, and struggling to get away from the hook, if anyone can understand what I mean!?

If you read on this line till now, I thank you for your kindness and may my best prayer be dedicated to you for your kindness! Namo Ambitabha!

Offline Suiseki

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Re: I'm lost in my practice, someone can help enlighten me?
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2016, 03:10:22 pm »
 :anjali: Taidangau: I'm very sorry to hear of your trials and tribulations. Like Buddha himself we have all struggled with many issues and perplexities in our lives. Most of my problems are from my own lack of understanding of the 3 poisons. 1. Passion 2. Aggression 3. Ignorance. They are really all three forms of desire. We desire to obtain what we want. Desire to keep (defend) it once we obtain it. And desire to ignore it if we don't like it. (Ignore-ance). For almost 40 years my Bodhi pot-of-water was steaming hot, but would not boil. For almost 20 years I ignored my practice and could not understand why I was so unhappy! This is Ignorance. Once I started to practice meditation and prayer again SUDDENLY- my Bodhi water BOILED furiously and happily! John was COOKED and out of the pot JUMPED Suiseki!   :teehee: Does this mean I now have no problems? Of course not. What I have discovered is that my happiness and solitude comes only from within my own mind. Just as pain is mind-created, so is joy and understanding. ("to stand-under"). Instead of looking to ANYONE for help, understanding, pity or agreement we must seek our own path and as Buddha said on his death bed, "Work out your salvation with diligence." It does require work and diligence to overcome lifetimes of ignorance and sloth. Monks, nuns and priests of all faiths are only human and therefore susceptible to the very same emotions and shortcomings as everyone. We must not find fault with the Sangha of this world. Instead seek the Sangha of the Buddha-mind within yourself and find true and lasting peace. "Integrate the mind and be blissful." Suiseki  :anjali:

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