Author Topic: I need help  (Read 1982 times)

Offline Rasputin

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I need help
« on: October 08, 2018, 04:45:03 pm »
I have been fired from three jobs this year. I am a professional, so this is extra bad. The essence of it all is I am self sabotaging and I don’t know why. I get very defensive when I perceive I’ve been wronged as opposed to just letting it flow off my back like water off a duck. I talk too much when I should listen more. I unconsciously hurt myself. I just want to get along better with people. Life is with people. I need to function more harmoniously with them.

Online Chaz

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Re: I need help
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2018, 03:28:12 am »
I have been fired from three jobs this year. I am a professional, so this is extra bad. The essence of it all is I am self sabotaging and I don’t know why. I get very defensive when I perceive I’ve been wronged as opposed to just letting it flow off my back like water off a duck. I talk too much when I should listen more. I unconsciously hurt myself. I just want to get along better with people. Life is with people. I need to function more harmoniously with them.

There won't be any answers here although some may try to give them.  You should seek counseling from a qualified therapist.

Offline Rasputin

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Re: I need help
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2018, 06:16:00 am »
There has to be some ways the dharma can help me though.

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Re: I need help
« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2018, 07:02:55 am »
There has to be some ways the dharma can help me though.

Yes, but not with why you're getting fired.

Is there a problem with getting therapy?
« Last Edit: October 09, 2018, 07:50:27 am by IdleChater »

Offline Gibbon

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Re: I need help
« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2018, 07:43:25 am »
I think that establishing a regular meditation practice would certainly bring benefit in the long run.  The key is to start small, sit just a few minutes, but aim to do it every day.  If there is a slip-up, don't worry and just go back to it, it happens to everybody.  Do not expect instant results, but eventually the mind will become more peaceful and manageable. 

There is nothing wrong at supplementing this with therapy or coaching, too, if it helps.


There has to be some ways the dharma can help me though.

Offline Rasputin

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Re: I need help
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2018, 10:01:43 am »
Thank you gibbon

Offline VisuddhiRaptor

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Re: I need help
« Reply #6 on: October 10, 2018, 09:50:45 pm »
There has to be some ways the dharma can help me though.

You should listen to answers from a qualified Buddhist.  :dharma:

Is there a problem with getting therapy?

Financial cost.  :smack:

Offline VisuddhiRaptor

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Re: I need help
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2018, 10:20:26 pm »
I have been fired from three jobs this year. I am a professional, so this is extra bad.

Hi friend.

The workplace today (at least in the West) has increasingly become authoritarian and politically correct; particularly where females are strongly represented in management. Therefore, it is easy to get fired for not maintaining mental composure.

I get very defensive when I perceive I’ve been wronged as opposed to just letting it flow off my back like water off a duck.

The above is "unprofessional" behaviour today because the modern professional is often expected to suspend ethical judgment, endure abuse and humiliation and never lose composure.

The essence of it all is I am self sabotaging and I don’t know why.


If you are a professional and don't know why you are acting unprofessionally; you should inquire somewhere about receiving some "vocational counselling" or training.

I talk too much when I should listen more. I unconsciously hurt myself. I just want to get along better with people. Life is with people. I need to function more harmoniously with them.

The most important thing is not never lose your temper or mental composure. I can suggest the following:

1. Try to find a job in a reasonably ethical workplace because a volatile employee in an unethical workplace is a bad mix. If you get fired then you end up worrying about receiving a bad reference from the bad workplace.

2. If you have a personal or emotional issue with anything; including with your manager; never ever express it publically. Instead, ask the person could you speak privately with them; which includes having a supervised private discussion. Generally, professional offices have small meeting rooms and if you ever have an issue then arrange to talk privately in a private room.

3. If you have an issue with a fellow employee; again; if wise; first discuss the issue with your manager. It is not possible to know which fellow employees you can trust.

4. In summary, as said, never express issues publicly and only express issues privately.

5. The Art of Negotiation is often mastered in this way; namely; by discussing issues you have or simply discussing everyday work negotiations (if they are expected to have some disagreement among parties) in a private meeting room with your manager or colleague. This prevents both parties from worrying about "losing face" in the public office.

If you have any more questions or matters you wish to discuss with me, please feel free to post them here.

Kind regards  :namaste:
« Last Edit: October 10, 2018, 10:31:47 pm by VisuddhiRaptor »

Offline Anemephistus

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Re: I need help
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2018, 03:15:31 pm »
I work in an extremely difficult environment, with a very large number of personality types ranging from self indulgent murderers and rapists (yes I am being literal) to home schooled fundamental Pentecostal supervisors.  I have to balance a great deal of authority and maintain composure through very trying things some of which are life threatening.

There are several ways in which the Dharma has helped me navigate these pressures and several things which come to mind. Two I think are most important to composure: Compassion and equanimity, a great deal has been written about both and what virtues they bring, friend, I would like to offer a few thoughts about these to you specific to my experience of them which is not complete.

The first is that others are often acting out of the momentum of their full circumstances and are part of a larger picture we cannot always see. Regardless of their behavior towards us we are just a tiny fraction of the equation.  A person may act in an unkind way to you because their father has passed away, because they are unhappy, because they are caught in a storm of things similar to your own and cannot see past it. Often they have a view of one kind or another which brings them some manner of discontentment and the behavior they exhibit has very little to do with you even if you have become the focus of some unpleasant expression from them.

Patience and serenity in the face of these things comes from seeing how alike we are as people instead of how different we are. It comes from developing compassion for them and seeing that they are suffering just like you are. If you have been hungry you know how good it is to have food, and if you have been cold then warmth is recognizable as a comfort. We get lost in a vast confusion with one another and we suffer from it, others are the exact same as we are in this regard. We forget we both as people enjoy food, and being warm when it is cold. If a person is angry , find out why and focus on helping them , look deep at why you are offended, not deeply at your offense. Your unhappiness with their behavior does not come from them, it comes from your reaction to them and you can change that if you let go of the views which cause it. 

We attach a lot of value to our self, then we get mad or irritated when that value is challenged and we defend it. Our single life is not of more value than that of an entire office, of a town, of a country, we just place emphasis on our interests because we are predisposed to doing so as part of being human. I would question this and try to weed it out. Others go home and have a place they live, people they love and things they like and dislike, again we are the same and our offense arises within us, not as a result of circumstances within them. We cannot wrestle this offense into submission, we must remind it that the person who we wish to be offended with is in a tapestry with us but which is very different from their view and not all of our views are valid either.

As a practical matter: Arrive a little early to work. Do what is asked of you, in the time frame which you are asked to do it. Be kind to others and find what they love and share it with sympathetic joy. I have a person higher in rank than I am who loves cats, I easily understand this so I ask him how his cats are, it brings him some joy to tell me. Investigate people a little by asking them about their lives, it will make it easier to identify with them and help you connect. Try to see that they feel every bit as much as you do that their values, experience, and circumstances are as relevant as your own and they may not be able to see past their views because they do not know how to look or do not see the value in doing so.

There will be unethical people, angry and unhappy people, and people who dislike you as a matter of their internal judgment through no cause of your own. You may feel this way about others, these views build and turmoil is the result. The four noble truths, and the Eight fold path hold answers to how to approach these views, what is correct and what is not, and how to live with others who do not see things the same way.

The duck is not wet because the water rolls off, this is true, but the water rolls off because it is in the ducks nature to produce oils which insulate it from the water. The work of being free from the difficulties of living with others in the world is never done, but we all work to make duck oil.

I suggest a good teacher, or a good book on the subject, several are suggested in this thread:


http://www.freesangha.com/forums/beginner's-buddhism/the-one-book-for-beginners/




Offline zafrogzen

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Re: I need help
« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2018, 04:19:59 pm »

The workplace today (at least in the West) has increasingly become authoritarian and politically correct; particularly where females are strongly represented in management.

Why does that kind of sweeping statemen not surprise me. Poor baby.

« Last Edit: October 13, 2018, 05:27:12 pm by zafrogzen »
My first formal meditation training was with Shunryu Suzuki in the 60's and later with Kobun, Robert Aitken and many other teachers (mainly zen). However, I've spent the most time practicing on my own, which is all I do now. I'm living in a rather isolated area so I miss connecting with other practitioners. Despite my interest in zen I've made an effort to remain secular. You can visit my website at http://www.frogzen.com

Offline Rasputin

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Re: I need help
« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2018, 08:57:19 pm »
I have been fired from three jobs this year. I am a professional, so this is extra bad.

Hi friend.

The workplace today (at least in the West) has increasingly become authoritarian and politically correct; particularly where females are strongly represented in management. Therefore, it is easy to get fired for not maintaining mental composure.

I get very defensive when I perceive I’ve been wronged as opposed to just letting it flow off my back like water off a duck.

The above is "unprofessional" behaviour today because the modern professional is often expected to suspend ethical judgment, endure abuse and humiliation and never lose composure.

The essence of it all is I am self sabotaging and I don’t know why.


If you are a professional and don't know why you are acting unprofessionally; you should inquire somewhere about receiving some "vocational counselling" or training.

I talk too much when I should listen more. I unconsciously hurt myself. I just want to get along better with people. Life is with people. I need to function more harmoniously with them.

The most important thing is not never lose your temper or mental composure. I can suggest the following:

1. Try to find a job in a reasonably ethical workplace because a volatile employee in an unethical workplace is a bad mix. If you get fired then you end up worrying about receiving a bad reference from the bad workplace.

2. If you have a personal or emotional issue with anything; including with your manager; never ever express it publically. Instead, ask the person could you speak privately with them; which includes having a supervised private discussion. Generally, professional offices have small meeting rooms and if you ever have an issue then arrange to talk privately in a private room.

3. If you have an issue with a fellow employee; again; if wise; first discuss the issue with your manager. It is not possible to know which fellow employees you can trust.

4. In summary, as said, never express issues publicly and only express issues privately.

5. The Art of Negotiation is often mastered in this way; namely; by discussing issues you have or simply discussing everyday work negotiations (if they are expected to have some disagreement among parties) in a private meeting room with your manager or colleague. This prevents both parties from worrying about "losing face" in the public office.

If you have any more questions or matters you wish to discuss with me, please feel free to post them here.

Kind regards  :namaste:

All I can say is, wow!  I also received some advice from a monk at my temple. He said to imagine myself as a Bodhisattva. How would a Bodhisattva behave and react to things. I can tell you, it’s already helped along with returning to my meditation practice.
Thank you for your advice. I will do as much of what you suggest as conditions will permit.

Offline Rasputin

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Re: I need help
« Reply #11 on: October 13, 2018, 09:01:21 pm »
I work in an extremely difficult environment, with a very large number of personality types ranging from self indulgent murderers and rapists (yes I am being literal) to home schooled fundamental Pentecostal supervisors.  I have to balance a great deal of authority and maintain composure through very trying things some of which are life threatening.

There are several ways in which the Dharma has helped me navigate these pressures and several things which come to mind. Two I think are most important to composure: Compassion and equanimity, a great deal has been written about both and what virtues they bring, friend, I would like to offer a few thoughts about these to you specific to my experience of them which is not complete.

The first is that others are often acting out of the momentum of their full circumstances and are part of a larger picture we cannot always see. Regardless of their behavior towards us we are just a tiny fraction of the equation.  A person may act in an unkind way to you because their father has passed away, because they are unhappy, because they are caught in a storm of things similar to your own and cannot see past it. Often they have a view of one kind or another which brings them some manner of discontentment and the behavior they exhibit has very little to do with you even if you have become the focus of some unpleasant expression from them.

Patience and serenity in the face of these things comes from seeing how alike we are as people instead of how different we are. It comes from developing compassion for them and seeing that they are suffering just like you are. If you have been hungry you know how good it is to have food, and if you have been cold then warmth is recognizable as a comfort. We get lost in a vast confusion with one another and we suffer from it, others are the exact same as we are in this regard. We forget we both as people enjoy food, and being warm when it is cold. If a person is angry , find out why and focus on helping them , look deep at why you are offended, not deeply at your offense. Your unhappiness with their behavior does not come from them, it comes from your reaction to them and you can change that if you let go of the views which cause it. 

We attach a lot of value to our self, then we get mad or irritated when that value is challenged and we defend it. Our single life is not of more value than that of an entire office, of a town, of a country, we just place emphasis on our interests because we are predisposed to doing so as part of being human. I would question this and try to weed it out. Others go home and have a place they live, people they love and things they like and dislike, again we are the same and our offense arises within us, not as a result of circumstances within them. We cannot wrestle this offense into submission, we must remind it that the person who we wish to be offended with is in a tapestry with us but which is very different from their view and not all of our views are valid either.

As a practical matter: Arrive a little early to work. Do what is asked of you, in the time frame which you are asked to do it. Be kind to others and find what they love and share it with sympathetic joy. I have a person higher in rank than I am who loves cats, I easily understand this so I ask him how his cats are, it brings him some joy to tell me. Investigate people a little by asking them about their lives, it will make it easier to identify with them and help you connect. Try to see that they feel every bit as much as you do that their values, experience, and circumstances are as relevant as your own and they may not be able to see past their views because they do not know how to look or do not see the value in doing so.

There will be unethical people, angry and unhappy people, and people who dislike you as a matter of their internal judgment through no cause of your own. You may feel this way about others, these views build and turmoil is the result. The four noble truths, and the Eight fold path hold answers to how to approach these views, what is correct and what is not, and how to live with others who do not see things the same way.

The duck is not wet because the water rolls off, this is true, but the water rolls off because it is in the ducks nature to produce oils which insulate it from the water. The work of being free from the difficulties of living with others in the world is never done, but we all work to make duck oil.

I suggest a good teacher, or a good book on the subject, several are suggested in this thread:


http://www.freesangha.com/forums/beginner's-buddhism/the-one-book-for-beginners/


Thank you very much!

Offline VisuddhiRaptor

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Re: I need help
« Reply #12 on: October 14, 2018, 06:03:03 pm »
Why does that kind of sweeping statemen not surprise me. Poor baby.

Old man with fake vain beard. Know nothing much about Dhamma and nothing about modern reality. Left-wing old Cultural Marxist hippy? 

:teehee:

Quote
394. What is the use of your matted hair, O witless man? What of your garment of antelope's hide? Within you is the tangle (of passion); only outwardly do you cleanse yourself.

Dhammapada
« Last Edit: October 14, 2018, 06:15:51 pm by VisuddhiRaptor »

Offline VisuddhiRaptor

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Re: I need help
« Reply #13 on: October 14, 2018, 06:12:02 pm »
Thank you for your advice. I will do as much of what you suggest as conditions will permit.

You are welcome friend. Be heedful. Be careful. The Bodhisattva Eight Verses for Training the Mind are linked below. These are particularly relevant to your situation and to the environment of the Post 9/11 and Feminist workplace. Also, I am pleased to read you sought and obtained personal advice from a Qualified Buddhist.

 :namaste:

Quote
With a determination to achieve the highest aim
For the benefit of all sentient beings
Which surpasses even the wish-fulfilling gem,
May I hold them dear at all times.

Whenever I interact with someone,
May I view myself as the lowest amongst all,
And, from the very depths of my heart,
Respectfully hold others as superior.

In all my deeds may I probe into my mind,
And as soon as mental and emotional afflictions arise-
As they endanger myself and others-
May I strongly confront them and avert them.

When I see beings of unpleasant character
Oppressed by strong negativity and suffering,
May I hold them dear-for they are rare to find-
As if I have discovered a jewel treasure!

When others, out of jealousy
Treat me wrongly with abuse, slander, and scorn,
May I take upon myself the defeat
And offer to others the victory
.

When someone whom I have helped,
Or in whom I have placed great hopes,
Mistreats me in extremely hurtful ways,
May I regard him still as my precious teacher.

In brief, may I offer benefit and joy
To all my mothers, both directly and indirectly,
May I quietly take upon myself
All hurts and pains of my mothers.

May all this remain undefiled
By the stains of the eight mundane concerns;
And may I, recognizing all things as illusion,
Devoid of clinging, be released from bondage.


https://www.dalailama.com/teachings/training-the-mind/training-the-mind-verse-1


Offline meez

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Re: I need help
« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2018, 07:05:22 am »
Why does that kind of sweeping statemen not surprise me. Poor baby.

Old man with fake vain beard. Know nothing much about Dhamma and nothing about modern reality. Left-wing old Cultural Marxist hippy? 

:teehee:

Quote
394. What is the use of your matted hair, O witless man? What of your garment of antelope's hide? Within you is the tangle (of passion); only outwardly do you cleanse yourself.

Dhammapada

VR:  Are you suggesting Z's appearance has some sort of relevance in this conversation?

 


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