Author Topic: Dealing with children  (Read 223 times)

Offline tomatosupu

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Dealing with children
« on: November 16, 2017, 12:49:46 pm »
My toddler really tests my patience a lot. He brings me to the edge many times, and sometimes I explode. His father has been gone for 1.5 years doing his military duty so I've been raising him on my own, but wow...it sure is difficult. How does one manage anger?

Offline Pixie

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Re: Dealing with children
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2017, 01:02:25 pm »
How does one manage anger?

Maybe to relax more and  gently accept that your child is very young  and can't be expected to think like an adult. We ourselves cause our own inner explosions, rather than our exterior circumstances.

This article "Liberating Emotions" might be helpful:

https://buddhismnow.com/2011/02/12/liberating-emotions-by-ajahn-sumedho/

You could also try doing Metta practice every day, for your child, his father, yourself and all sentient beings...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3_lqd4Sgfc


_/|\_

.

« Last Edit: November 16, 2017, 01:11:02 pm by Pixie »
May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.
May they all be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
May they never be deprived of true happiness devoid of any suffering.
May they abide in great impartiality, free from attachment to loved ones and aversion to others.

Offline tomatosupu

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Re: Dealing with children
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2017, 01:19:29 pm »
Thank you for that nice video to the DhammaTube monk, I felt much better.

Also, I searched on the internet and found this wondrous book on How to Love Your Children the Right Way, written by a monk, on the right way to parent a child so they grow up responsibly and as good citizens.
https://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/children.pdf


« Last Edit: November 16, 2017, 01:22:58 pm by tomatosupu »

Offline Pixie

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Re: Dealing with children
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2017, 01:05:52 pm »
Thank you for that nice video to the DhammaTube monk, I felt much better.

Also, I searched on the internet and found this wondrous book on How to Love Your Children the Right Way, written by a monk,...

I'm so glad you're feeling better.

Sincerely wishing you and your child good health and happiness.

_/|\_
May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.
May they all be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
May they never be deprived of true happiness devoid of any suffering.
May they abide in great impartiality, free from attachment to loved ones and aversion to others.

Offline Anemephistus

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Re: Dealing with children
« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2017, 06:47:16 pm »
I once had the privilege of listening to a nun speak, it was the only time I have been able to attend such a function in person and the subject she spoke on and gave a discourse about was love.
I cannot recall with perfect clarity all of the wisdom she shared on the subject, but she did make a point on the subject that I will not forget and that helped me a lot.

Love is often a romantic notion, not just for lovers, but with parents and children and siblings in that we picture an expectation of how it will feel and what it should look like and our expectations romanticize the vision we have. We wait to love others, when they have angered us and when our notion of what "should" be is replaced by what really is. The confrontation of these two worlds, the real one, and the imagined expectation makes us frustrated and we forget that we had a purpose in creating the expectation in the first place.

We crafted what we thought love would look like because we had a certain image. Love is instead what we feel when we look at a box of kittens, when we see our children without reservations when we look at the lifetime of wonderful lessons a departed one gave us. The false expectation we created is nothing in comparison to the truth of love.

This all meant something for me.

I am a parent, my child was young and I was tired from working, she had made many messes and asked sooo many questions and woke me up, and occasionally fluid would run from one end or the other and I was worn out because deep down I had an expectation that things should go a certain way and when they did not or when I was faced with my own limits I became frustrated.

Once I realized a couple of things in large part due to the nun's discourse and my wife, my life changed. First I was not raising a child, none of us ever really are, we are raising an adult who is not done yet and we are helping to craft that person who will be, the one who is, is just not complete. The second was that I quit having expectations about what might be and started looking carefully at what was in comparison to what I thought should be and what path lay between the two points so we could walk them together.

I began to see my child as a half baked adult, suddenly feeding the VCR a peanut butter sandwich was more of a situation where I realized that learning how the VCR worked was going to be important. The realization that she thought the sandwich might show her something magical if she put it in the VCR would never have come had I gotten mad, she would have cried and never done it again, but nothing else would have been gained. If you argue with the three year old you cannot win, by arguing you have already lost, they have no faculty to understand they just scream "it's mine" and bite the cat.

Once reason started to take root we instead spoke at an age appropriate level about every mistake, false notion, actions others took which were confusing to her and anything else that came up. As a man, it was not always comfortable for me to speak frankly with a little girl about everything that was on her mind but I set aside all other things that were frivolous in order to do so.  I wanted a good adult at the end and an open dialog was critical.

It made it really easy to stay calm with her because I knew her, and what to say, and had taught her to listen rationally and set emotion aside in favor of truth, this path started at 5 and never stopped but took time to take root. 

My Daughter is a medical student in college and working on becoming a doctor with excellent grades and friends who come over and are not afraid to interact with me. She and I are deeply close and I knew the first time she saw drugs, the first time she was offered alcohol, the first person she was considering having sex with...That one was difficult for me, but we kept as much anger out of our relationship as we could because that what I showed her how to do.

She leaves for her four year pre med this next fall after two years local and as i look back at what has been so far I am pleased, I get to enjoy how it went a second time each time I look back, and be proud of what is.

I encourage you to see a box of kittens, to remember the ignorance of youth and to laugh at the ego and the tantrums as the ridiculous part of the nature we all share. A toddler on the floor screaming because they cannot eat crayons and you wont let them is not an emergency, its funny and it's easy to love if we keep perspective. An adult doing it would be disturbing so putting work in to avoid such outcomes is well worth the investment  <3

My favorite site that illustrates the perspective I tried to keep when she was tiny:

https://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog/119/36-Reasons-My-Kid-Is-Crying-Temper-Tantrums-You-Can-t-Help-But-Laugh-At

Just google "why my kid is crying"  It helps. Later there will be time to bring about a well adjusted state of mind, just teach things that you wont have to argue with later and stay involved.

 :namaste:
 




 


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