Author Topic: I went from heroin addiction and despair to energy joy and peace  (Read 1487 times)

Offline allanwattsiscool

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Ive been sitting here contemplating giving the short medium or long story. I know what it is I want to convey, kinda, but I have no idea how to get it to you properly. Thats why I am doing it here anonymously. Although maybe one day in years to come my story will be more known. Who knows? Ive been told to write down everything for a book and with the momentum my life is building, its anybodies guess whats going to happen next.

Anyways Lets go with medium.  OK so now this is a story all about how my life got twisted all turned up upside down. lol no jk THIS IS A STORY ABOUT HOW I WENT FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL OF HEROIN ADDICTION, DEPRESSION, SICKNESS, TO PEACE HAPPINESS CONTENTEDNESS AND EASE.

I was born into mayhem. A loving single parent mother with severe trauma issues, a criminal father, no money, no support. Life is 1 big crisis. My mom some how feeds me right, makes us a nice home, and settles us down. Mom rocks. I'm a troubled kid with a loving heart who only wants to socialize with my friends, and adventure out around the crazy streets of downtown. Everyone always said I was an old soul and nobody believed I was 11 because of how well I could hold a conversation.  I was tall too. So I'm at 16. I end up running with a group of runaways. We were extremely shallow most of the time. It drove me insane because my peers were nuts. I still loved them but would venture off and find the interesting older people in our community and run to them for cool music and interesting ideas. Sometimes I would go to the internet and make binders full of proverbs that I had printed off the internet. I loved these proverbs and read them everyday. I read the Dhammapadda and the Tibetan book of the dead and dif zen books and all this kinda stuff. So on the one hand I was chilling with my runaway hip hop criminal runaway buddies, and on the other I was studying Buddhism and philosophy and seeking out the interesting weirdos of the world. They would love me too  because I would ask questions like who is this LED  ZEPPELIN you speak of? lol. I remember the first time I heard stairway to heaven. OH MY GOD. CHILLS SO BAD. This is when I was also bumping to Party in da club by 50 cent and eminem and stuff. I was a real weird mix now that I think about it lol.

All along the way, things have been traumatizing me. Someone tried to murder my mom infront of me when I was 4 which pretty much made me a really bad ass little kid in many ways. People raped my mom when I was older. People abused us and manipulated our generosity and it made me have  ahard and defensive side. i faught a lot and felt very protective. Mostly I got my ass kicked. Mostly I deserved it. So where were we? Oh ya! buddhism gang activity and led zeppelin ;) So all along I'm having these wonderful philisophical ideas because I have a brilliant mind (took years to be able to say that to myself and now you fine folks). But I don't really know it. For all I knew every kid thought like I do. I thought probably not, but I was young and didnt really know. Id try to talk to my parents and adults and they would say "OH GOD THE SKY IS FALLING." Nobody humored me except those cool weirdos id run off and chill with and even then most of those guys were too fucked up to really be of any use to me as a mentor of wisdom. There were many smart people but none of them had what I needed. An outlet for all my crazy ideas! ;) So im 16 and Leave the city to this small town. In this town there is a coffee shop. In this coffee shop are really cool funky artistic funny people. My mom is one of them. Shes kinda like the queen of these peeps cuz shes got really really good social skills and everyone loves her and shes a leader and a punk. "MOST AMAZING WOMAN" was often how she was described to me. Lol. "DID YOU KNOW YOUR MOM IS THE MOST AMAZING WOMAN" Id say YA........ Shit I been here the whole time. cluck I didn't show it tho I was kinda mean to my mom sometimes :( Most of the time we was loving and friends tohugh.

So in this coffee shop in this town with these funky art kids I begin to mingle. My mom said come here I have such a cool crew right now!! Dope a whole gang of the type of weirdos i liked. So then I learned to play chess a lot better and kicked everyones butts and it was a blast hehe. Then one day I walked in the door and saw there was this odd man sitting on the couch reading a sci fi book. He was on my turf, being all interesting by his lonesome. I walked to him immediately and said YOU THERE! HERE ME! No lol I didnt say that. I said hey man whats up watchya reading? He was all like " oh ya dirk a dirk" Then I asked him if he wanted to play chess. He said something and I don't know what it was, but it was smart and interesting and I got right into into it and philosophized with him over a game of chess in which he was slaughtered mercilessly. This person let me talk. This person was really smart. Like savant smart. The type of smart that didnt realize it was kinda socially a little strange to be like " so this truculent man came up to me today with zero lithe." So nobody new what he was talking about half the time, sorta like a drunken irish man. who is gay. and has extremely mild aspergers. And has an IQ somewhere over 180. Basically its off the the chart. People actually studied his brain when he was growing up. Hes read the entire encyclopedia britanica. Not like some people have looked at it and memorized it or whatever. Hes actually read the damn thing like word for word and can talk in detail about most of it. The type of person who can talk to a physicist at lunch and a medical doctor at dinner. Someone that I once asked how were CPU chips made and he gave me a 20 minute detailed explination about using light to shine through stencils. Cuz how els do you create something with billions of little switches on a matchead? Made a lot of sense to me when I got that part about light and stencils lol. not that I get anything about it. (just had a convo with the person i'm talking about and he wanted to warn me about some of the judgemental vibes I could get at my potentially new job at a hospital.) I took to the buddha proverb about listening to the wiseman and following him from the dhammapadda. 

6. Should one find a man who points out faults and who reproves, let him follow such a wise and sagacious person as one would a guide to hidden treasure. It is always better, and never worse, to cultivate such an association.

So ya back to the story. Im at this cafe and see him and hes like "Where on earth did you ever get that interesting personality??" and I said "I dont know? Many many different places!!!" So he tells me he lives in town and that he will come back to have a coffee more often. Cool.  I was excited to meet a cool person but honestly didnt think too too much of it until that night when I slept. I dreamt of him and in my dream he was exactly as he is only he had this white aura around him. THe contents of what he was doing in the dream are less important. I never remembered them. So wow white aura?? So when I woke up all I could remember is this weird dream about a person with a white aura when I never dream about auras or talk about auras or anything like that? Weird. So I told my mom that I wanna be friends with that person, and she said "ok well do you want to invite him for our dinner party Wednesday?" That was the first dinner party we had in our super funky loft apartment. Best apartment we ever had. 12 feet ceilings! I said yes ofocourse!

So I invited him. He cooked for us. He made Sushi and Friend brocolli done up in wonderful sort of turkish style spices I think? WAS SO YUMMY. I remember he said "WOW, I never thought I would have friends in lindsay!" Were talking someone who just bought a house in this town says he thinks he will make no friends the whole time he is there. Thats how isolated the poor guy was. And here I am, super social, funny, cool, and good looking.  I didnt mention.  when I was growing up as a young child I looked like the golden angels from lore. u know like the cupid angels with the golen curly hair and what not? So all the old ladies used to bug me. pinch my cheeks. Give me sloppy kisses etc. so looks were never anything I worried about back then. Just like a pretty teenage girl, but probably better cuz I was a boy. So this helped give me a lot of confidence obviously. Interestingly, I wasn't a jerk because of it. One of those philisophical conversations I had with my white aura friend was about how I had decided to stop looking in the mirror obsessively because I thought it was mean to gloat because most people did not win the genetics lottery and it can really hurt some people. So i stopped being like that at 16 and I gotta say that decision has always stuck with me and helped keep me humble. Then addiction came and finished the humbling job lol. 

So here I am all social and tall and good looking and young and shit, having the time of my life. And heres james, hasnt been touched in forever. Just got out of an abusive relationship with some boyfriend. Oh ya did I mention he was a 35 year old gay man with a cleft lip and pallet? YES IT TOOK SOME GETTING USED TO. he was just a broken mess really. My new friend was socially devistated and we both knew it. Yet all along he taught me and was the first person I could tell all my crazy wacky philisophical ideas too! We would debate literally for days. He had a rooming house which I got a room in. So I could just walk nextdoor and continue the debate. It never ended. He taught me about fundimental concepts of life. Not too mention he was a genius so he taught me how to think abstractly in a complktely new way than I was used to. Nobody would use the abstract capabilities of my brain! Don't get me wrong, I'm not a genius. Im just smart above average intelligence. All along I watched him to see if he ever tried any pervert stuff with me or anything like that but he never did!!! HIS WHITE AURA WAS TRUE. We are still best friends to this day. 15 years. He has done the most amazing compassionate things when I needed him most! A true friend over the years! AND I have too!!





ok for real though I will probably write in h ere more today. If not I will tomorrow for sure. I am going to share my story and my experiences. The path of how I went from no energy. A dead husk of a person. To an energetic chatter box full of llove compassion and understanding.

I'm sure half of you or more already think im full of myself and an egocentrical wack job on some sort of spiritual identity trip where I confuse my ego's lies with spiritual progress or something. I get it. Being skeptical is good. Lets face it, I swear. I say seemingly egotistical things like how compassionate I am, or how cool I am or how good looking I am or whatever.  I get that it isn't very typical of someone who has anything to offer you. & if I were to be frank with any of you right now I would tell you the truth. I have nothing to offer you. Because there is no teaching, but I get that we are not there yet. For now most of you must take the same typical path of spiritual progression in your lives! My hope is that some of you will keep an open mind.  A year ago, I was too sick to give anything to the world. I'm so happy to be able to give energy now that I am better!! All along I wished I would stop being a burden and was able to give to the world.  My hope is that I can be open and honest about the reality of who I am to an audience that doesnt think I am completely crazy lol.  I want to convey to you what is happening right now because I know this story needs to be told every time its discovered.  sort of like how in my story when I was younger I came to this point where none of my friends or family would listen to my crazy philosophical ideas? Well the same kind of thing is happening again in a way because even my good friend james cant follow me here and he doesnt want to follow me here, which is totally cool because he is a saint and believes that his intellect needs to be put to use solving practical solutions and so he gave up being rich to serve and make below average wage building projects for community. Also he gave up seeking an end to suffering because of that. So this is my very first time reaching out to the beautiful Buddhist community since all of the bad stuff I havn't told you about happened 10 years ago. I grew up with tibetan monks for much of my childhood. Funnily enough, my father used a Tibetan temple for baby sitting services. He would just leave me there lol. Free babysitting. Where could be more safe? Temples r very quiet places. I would just go to the basement a lot of the time and chill on the computer playing the incredible machine. Sometimes alone, sometimes with other monks. I think I met the Dali lama when he came to my city because I sang on the stage with a bunch of tibetans. lmao was like 25 tibetan kids wearing traditional clothing and 1 blonde kid wearing nice but normal clothes lol. We sang on stage after a parade. I say I think I met cuz at the time all I knew was he was some super special monk. He blessed me and gave me the white cloth thingys which r so nice I wish I kept it!! :( Anyway my point is im no stranger to buddhist. Far far from it. I know what temple life is like. SAME AS ANYWHERE ELS! Ha! Drama drama drama! Only a lot more pure and clean. A fight lasts like half a minute and the person just runs upstairs and meditates or something lol <3 <3 <3

More to come soon!!! Its a long story what can I say??!!


« Last Edit: March 28, 2018, 06:05:09 pm by allanwattsiscool »

Offline Lotusmile

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Re: I went from heroin addiction and despair to energy joy and peace
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2018, 02:26:10 am »
Thus when the energy joy and peace is being taught starting to all newly born, no one will be in despair from drug addiction

Offline allanwattsiscool

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Re: I went from heroin addiction and despair to energy joy and peace
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2018, 02:38:05 pm »
^ what do you mean by that? There is no instant cure from the despair of drug addiction.  Enlightenment itself can not protect one from the feelings of despair that addiction can bring. Because the brain is a thing acting in the real world, we will be brain sick regardless of the fact that we attained satori during hardcore drug addiction. When the brain is depleted of all happy chemicals we are going to feel the pain of despair. Just like if someone said to be experiencing nirvana gets rabies, they will still experience the terrible feelings it brings. However it will protect someone to some degree anyway. The reason I say that is because I have experienced nightmarish withdrawls which were true torture of the mind for over a week period, and during that time I have experienced satori for brief moments.

I believe that what is truly important is how the person lived, not how they died. They lived in peace and compassion because they were awake and truthful. Those are the beautiful qualities which emerge from the awakening of our minds from the illusion of separateness.

This passage from the dhammapada calls to me in this situation:


Who shall conquer this world
And the world of death with all its gods?
Who shall discover
The shining way of the law?

You shall, even as the man
Who seeks flowers
Finds the most beautiful,
The rarest.

Understand that the body
Is merely the foam of a wave,
The shadow of a shadow,
Snap the flower arrows of desire
And then, unseen,
Escape the king of death.
And travel on.

Death overtakes the man
Who gathers flowers
When with distracted mind and thirsty senses
He searches vainly for happiness
In the pleasures of the world.
Death fetches him away
As a flood carries off a sleeping village.

Death overcomes him
When with distracted mind and thirsty senses
He gathers flowers.
He will never have his fill
Of the pleasures of the world.

The bee gathers nectar from the flower
Without marring its beauty or perfume.
So let the master settle, and wander.

Look to your own faults,
What you have done or left undone.
Overlook the faults of others.

Like a lovely flower,
Bright but scentless,
Are the fine but empty words
Of a man who does not mean what he says.

Like a lovely flower,
Bright and fragrant,
Are the fine and truthful words
Of the man who means what he says.

Like garlands woven from a heap of flowers
Fashion from your life as many good deeds.

The perfume of sandalwood
Rosebay or jasmine
Cannot travel against the wind.

But the fragrance of virtue
Travels even against the wind,
As far as the ends of the world.

How much finer
Is the fragrance of virtue
Than of sandalwood, rosebay,
Of the blue lotus or jasmine!

The fragrance of sandalwood and rosebay
Does not travel far.
But the fragrance of virtue
Rises to the heavens.

Desire never crosses the path
Of virtuous and wakeful men.
Their brightness sets them free.

How sweetly the lotus grows
In the litter of the wayside.
Its pure fragrance delights the heart.

Follow the awakened
And from among the blind
The light of your wisdom
Will shine out, purely

-Dhammapada (Sayings of the Buddha)

Offline Empty13

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Re: I went from heroin addiction and despair to energy joy and peace
« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2018, 11:28:10 am »
Haven't read the whole thing, but I lost my left ring finger (and I was a professional musician/guitar player), had open heart surgery, valve repair, multiple abscesses, and lost my family to heroin. Now I have been sober almost a year and involved in my local Sangha, lead a meditation group at the Zen center, going back to school, etc.

All thanks to the Dharma and AA. And people wonder why we prostrate to the altar daily.

Buddhism saved my life also.


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