Author Topic: Dealing with difficult & unfair parents  (Read 1761 times)

Offline singindo

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Dealing with difficult & unfair parents
« on: April 14, 2016, 07:25:37 pm »
Hi there, thanks for checking in :-)

Some little background stories,

1. Mom & dad don't get along well together and they don't trust each other.
2. Dad believes children must sacrifice their own lives for their parents (old fashioned Chinese believe)
3. Mom always worries about where the family asset would go when dad passes away, and doing whatever she can to hold them.
4. Dad believes other people come first, his family last. It's all about public image of him. He's so focus on his goals, that most of the time he steps on others' toes. He lives very frugally, and he is now sick of cancer.
5. I was emotionally blackmailed to move back to 3rd world home country after living in 1st world country for 20 years.
6. I now earn 1/3 compared to what I used to earn while I was living in the 1st world country.
7. My own parents badmouthing me in front of others (including my siblings) in regards to my expenses, how I used a lot of money, wasting the family inheritance.
8. My mom wanted disown me when I was very very young, due to an advice of a fortune teller. Her golden children (my 2 siblings, refused to come back to look after the family business, and affairs).
9. Many seniors including dads own close friends telling me that my dad is one of the most difficult person to deal with, and he is quite manipulative (which sometimes can be good in business, and to survive in this 3rd world country).
10. I am emotionally abused, since we were kids we were told by our parents how stupid & useless we are (old Chinese tradition, never praise your children).
11. With dad, it's his way or highway. He's "never wrong", He is so smart that most arguments we have with him, end with the fingers pointing at us, not him.
12. Because of the advice from fortune tellers, I have never been their first choice in anything, but somehow ended up me doing all these responsibilities because my siblings sort of washing their hands.
13. I do have my own shortcomings such as I am not as ambitious as dad, maybe not as smart as dad (in business), I am not willing to take as much as risk like dad, and I am not as demanding as my parents.
14. I am helping my parents with the family business which I don't experience the financial rewards of it. My parents always say, all these money will be yours (us the children) someday, but they hardly spend money on us in the first place. We have some sort of sense of false promise (hopefully I am wrong though).
15. Mom gives money to my siblings without them asking for it, whereas I need to pretty much pretend that I am broke before she gives me money which is mush less compared to

Can somebody help me answers my questions here ?

As kids we were led to believe that our parents are the best people in the world, but they are only human beings with their own shortcomings, and I feel their shortcomings have some sort negative impacts on my own family life.

1. How much should I sacrifice my own family (me, wife & kids) for my parents' sake ?
2. How should I approach this issues ? I feel my future in this place is uncertain.
3. Is it wrong or sinful for me to refuse to sacrifice my own family for my parents' sake ?
4. What should I do with this unfair treatment by my parents ?

I am not a buddhist but I believe in some of its teachings such as karma. I feel that I have been sacrificing a lot, but not only I don't see the material rewards, I don't feel it's been appreciated at all.

I don't actively pursue the materials rewards per se, but I feel that I have some sort of financial responsibilities to my own family.

What do I do ?

Offline Cetaka

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Re: Dealing with difficult & unfair parents
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2016, 03:51:22 pm »
I would like to preface my opinion on this by saying that one of my parents is also emotionally abusive, but that even though I have always been a "dutiful child" (unlike my brother), my primary loyalty is to my mother.  So although I'm younger than you are and do not have the same experience, we seem to have a little in common.

1. In my opinion, one's responsibility is primarily to one's wife and children, but only slightly above one's parents; at least, that is the traditional view that I grew up with.  Obviously there are extenuating circumstances.  What I personally do is stay dutiful to my father, but try to avoid coming into contact with him as often as possible.  This may or may not work for you, but it is an option.  Your parents have made their own mistakes, you should not have to pay for them.
2.  That depends on if you stay in the "3rd world country" or return to the "1st world country"; you'd have to take different approaches.  If you stay, which it sounds like you will, your family's needs must come first, in my opinion.  However, it would not be wrong no matter what you chose.  You will probably have regrets either way, that's how decisions work.  It helps to learn to abandon regrets and live in the moment.
3. There are few times when there is a right or wrong choice; usually it is just wrong and slightly more wrong or right and slightly more right.
4. You can't stop it.  (If you are able to, congratulations and tell me your secret, but it is rare.)  Instead, one must live with it in one way or another.  I do this by distancing myself.

Few things I do for anyone are appreciated, but in general I no longer mind.  One day they will realize it and, if not, it does not matter much to me anyway.  That must be the Buddhist in me. 

This is obviously all just my opinion, but I hope at least some of it helps you.  If not, at least you know there is somebody who knows what you mean.  Good luck.


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