Author Topic: How to deal with rejection  (Read 490 times)

Offline gpessa

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How to deal with rejection
« on: December 13, 2016, 02:07:04 pm »
So, I'm having a small issue (is not a small one for me because by nature I can get really sad and mad on this kind of occasions).

What happen:
I was dating a person and after a while she disappeared. It's a pretty standard story. What is going on now is that I'm feeling quit sad and I spend time checking frequently if she is connected on one of the thousand of social network we have now. This situation si causing me anxiety and sadness.

What I'm doing to deal with it:
  • Meditation
  • Mindfulness (every time that a sad though arise I focus on it, I feel the consequence of it on my body and I try to focus on my mental  experience and accept it).

Question:
Can i do something else? Is the right way to face this problem. What the buddhist practice say about it ?
Delete this person from my life is a solution (renunciation is one of the rules no?)

Please help me to solve this

Offline GoWithTheFlow

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Re: How to deal with rejection
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2016, 08:29:35 am »
Sorry to hear you're going through it...

I won't pretend to have any special insights but I think renunciation is more something for monks rather than laypeople.

In this situation you may need to look at the root of why you're feeling rejection? Is there something in your past which is being unpleasantly brought to the surface? As with anything, if you're craving a relationship with someone then that's unhealthy.

Anyway, if this person has disappeared then they sound like they don't respect you (or themselves) and you are probably better off without them.

Offline Ron-the-Elder

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Re: How to deal with rejection
« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2016, 06:22:39 am »
Hi, gpressa.

My guess is that you have formed an attachment, which as we have been taught will always lead to suffering (dukkha):

The solution as given in The Four Noble Truths is to first understand the nature of dukkha, that it arises out of ignorance, and attachment to that which is impermanent.  Realize there is a solution to this problem and a means to end our suffering if, and only if, we implement the solution.

Consider that your relationship with this individual is your attachment.  As predicted, the relationship has dissolved, corrupted, broken down and no longer exists since it is like all things in this life, impermanent.  However, you suffer, because you still cling to this relationship, not understanding that what has happened (its dissolution) is normal in this samsaric existence in which we currently live.  Your clinging to that, which is corruptible is the cause of your suffering. You must accept this fact if you wish to end your suffering. The solution, which will allow you to end your suffering is to let go of that which is causing your suffering.   :hug:

I don't know your age, as you did not state it.  The truth of The Four Noble Truths eventually sinks-in with experience and practice.  I am 72 and 5/12 ths.  I have been attached in this same way many, many times over my life-time and have personally verified and validated the truth of The Four Noble Truths many, many times over my lifetime as well.  The most difficult occasion (so far) was dealing with the death of my first wife after being married for over 38 years, and knowing her since we were both age 15 or so.  I still dream of her frequently to this day, and at times it is still difficult to let go of the dreams.  But, I know, that letting go is the solution to ending suffering.

From my experience, letting go of such attachments is a process, one, which takes time, grieving, and also the shedding of tears.  The good news is that the pain, resulting from such dukkha, however, is survivable, as many of us know from our personal experience.   <3
« Last Edit: December 27, 2016, 11:53:33 am by Ron-the-Elder »
What Makes an Elder? :
A head of gray hairs doesn't mean one's an elder. Advanced in years, one's called an old fool.
But one in whom there is truth, restraint, rectitude, gentleness,self-control, he's called an elder, his impurities disgorged, enlightened.
-Dhammpada, 19, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

Offline IdleChater

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Re: How to deal with rejection
« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2016, 09:01:38 am »
So, I'm having a small issue (is not a small one for me because by nature I can get really sad and mad on this kind of occasions).

What happen:
I was dating a person and after a while she disappeared. It's a pretty standard story. What is going on now is that I'm feeling quit sad and I spend time checking frequently if she is connected on one of the thousand of social network we have now. This situation si causing me anxiety and sadness.

What I'm doing to deal with it:
  • Meditation
  • Mindfulness (every time that a sad though arise I focus on it, I feel the consequence of it on my body and I try to focus on my mental  experience and accept it).

Question:
Can i do something else? Is the right way to face this problem. What the buddhist practice say about it ?
Delete this person from my life is a solution (renunciation is one of the rules no?)

Please help me to solve this

Sometimes you just have to deal with your feeling, the good old fashioned way - one day at a time.  Buddhist practice doesn't offer a silver bullet to make you feel better about things.  You're  feelings are understandable, they happen to all of us.  Oftentimes, the best solution is time - let your own innate goodness and wisdom light the path through this.  Let mindfulness chronicle the journey.  It may take months or even years, but in the end, you will see it was a path worth taking.

Offline gpessa

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Re: How to deal with rejection
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2016, 02:47:07 am »
obviously there are not silver bullets.
But there are many way to deal with it.

'let the time pass' is an answer, but I think there is a good way to use your time to deal with the situation in a more productive (maybe buddhist) way
'renunciation' is not only for monks. I mean you can force yourself to understand that she/he is not a person who could help you to make your life happier and renounce to it consciously. It's not easy to do but pointing the finger into the right direction is useful.

I like @Ron-the-Elder answer but I would like to talk about it more...

So this is what I have done (consider I start to follow the buddhist path 2 months ago):
1) I continue to meditate every day, not much but at least 30 minutes. It helps to deal with strong emotions
2) I noticed every moment my feelings, be conscious of them and look at them more as a scientist than has the owner of those emotions
3) I spent time analysing why  i was craving her, did not help much :) Part was attachment because of rejection, partially was love
4) I tried to deal for a month with memories. I tried to accept and let it go for a month. Pushing a little bit further the limit of my acceptance.
5) Not being completely satisfied and still being craving and being sadness, I ended up to renounce to it, removed memories and link to that person.
6) I often force myself to remember that every feeling is a birth of my mind and my story and it end easily most of the time
7) Spent more time focussing in things that could improve me as person (self-actualisation and compassion)

It worked out decently, I'm more calm. I did not suppressed my feelings, I move further the level of sufferance that I can accept, I found a solution by renounce to that.
 

 


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