Author Topic: Lost my virginity at 22 - questions about sexual misconduct  (Read 301 times)

Offline jr6654

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 I am turning 23 in May and was a virgin until yesterday. I was always unpopular in high school and college, I didn't think it would happen and I always felt very alone. For a few years I turned to porn which I quit about a year ago as I felt it was a very dark path. But I found myself very lonely and craving intimacy.

I lost my virginity yesterday to a 24 year old girl I met off of an app. She was very kind and considerate and we may have another encounter. I was respectful and kind to her, the sex itself involved a lot of embracing and kissing and felt more affectionate than I felt a first time could have been. She also told me she suffered from depression, as do I, and that sex was her means of self medication. She is also in an open relationship.

I was raised a Catholic and told to wait until marriage. However I gradually developed the opinion that waiting until marriage was dangerous, even a serious relationship to an extent, and I did not want to enter one inexperienced. Also I did not want to date or marry for the wrong reasons.

If I am correct, Gautama himself was promiscuous in his early days but then became celibate. However he did not require this of the layman practitioner and Buddhism does not require abstinence before marriage. A few sources I've consulted said that Buddhism is progressive on sexuality outside of relationships or marriage and looks more at the emotions surrounding it and whether or not you are hurting other people. I do not intend to become promiscuous but I may have a few experiences before a girlfriend I am in love with. I don't regret it entirely but I am looking for any thoughts or beliefs that may help me be clearheaded. Thank you and blessings. 

Offline Ron-the-Elder

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Re: Lost my virginity at 22 - questions about sexual misconduct
« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2017, 08:32:36 am »
Hi, jr6654.

The precept regarding sexual misconduct essentially refers back to the first precept:  Cause no harm.  So, "In what ways do we cause harm sexually?".. is the big question.  As a secular Buddhist practitioner the concern as I understand it is:

1.  Causing harm through forced or unwanted sexual relationship.  Rape woud be the clearest example of this.

2. Causing harm by spreading disease of which you are already aware.  In most legal jurisdictions in the world, there are severe penalties for spreading potentially lethal diseases such as Acquired Immunity Disorders, HIV, or other viruses, or bacteria, such as syphylis.  These diseases can result not only in death, but in long term chronic disease causing psychosis, and massive pain, and perhaps death.

3.  Causing harm by having sexual relations with partners that are too young both legally and ethically to give consent.

4.  Causing harm by ripping ,tearing, or bruising flesh, bitting, crushing, or any other type of rough technique or result if intentional or malicious activity, sometimes referred to as angry or violent sex.

5.  In some cultures it is seen to be wrong to have sex (consentual or not) with those promised to others, engaged, married, or in commitments where multiple sexual partners have not been agreed to within the relationship.  In our culture we call this "cheating", infidelity, or adultery.

6.  In monastic communities where vows have been taken to abstain from sexual contact for whatever their reasons even being in the same room with a potential sexual partner is forbidden, self gratification is forbidden, and just touching a woman's garment may be forbidden.

7.  Most importantly, progeny resulting from sexual congress are of major interest with respect to not causing harm, as these need loving, caring,compassionate, and nurturing environments in which to be raised.

As with all precepts, these all are meant to keep harmony within the community and to protect those who need society's protection as in the case with children and vulnerable women or men in the case of rape and spreading of STD's.

One last issue, which needs to be discussed:  In our so-called modern societies abortion has gotten to the point where it is almost routinely relied upon as a form of birth control. There is the surgical abortion, and now the day-after pill.  This topic alone could provide enough contemplative material for an entire, perhaps never ending thread of discussion as it is an issue where the fetus (unborn) is directly harmed, and the mother is often continuously harmed due to both physical and mental suffering.  Both parents, who may have to give up a promising education and/or career to responsibly care for their unplanned offspring are often certainly harmed.  Being a single mother, or father trying to raise a child alone is no joy-trip, especially if the child is unwanted and treated as such by the custodial parent.

I know some of this sounds overly dramatic, but my recently semi-retired wife, as a clinical psychologist has earned her living providing treatment for all of the individuals mentioned  above for most of her career:  Women / Mothers,  Men /Fathers, and Children / boys and girls.  Dukkha, what Buddha called this entire tangled ball of suffering has found perhaps no more fertile ground than this for its production.

 :dharma:

Hope this helps.
« Last Edit: April 14, 2017, 11:07:31 pm by Ron-the-Elder »
What Makes an Elder? :
A head of gray hairs doesn't mean one's an elder. Advanced in years, one's called an old fool.
But one in whom there is truth, restraint, rectitude, gentleness,self-control, he's called an elder, his impurities disgorged, enlightened.
-Dhammpada, 19, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

Offline DMR

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Re: Lost my virginity at 22 - questions about sexual misconduct
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2017, 01:35:46 pm »
Hello, jr6654!

Please, do not accept my reply as an absolute truth, especially concerning the fact, that I'm a full zero in knowing buddhist concepts. Also, please, forgive my bad English speech beforehand, if you find some (or many) mistakes in text - they can appear for sure.

All I could understand till the following moment is that you certainly should not judge yourself badly for the things you did in past, and especially it would not be very helpful for you if you regret for something or blaim yourself. Though, you said that you do not regret, I feel like I had to mention this crucial point.

It is not a bad thing to have sex with someone, if that act is not coming from your craving for filling the emptiness from the inside. Even if so - that's still not a reason to be upset or fall in blaiming thoughts. You have all the beauty in yourself already, though sometimes we tend to forget about it being inside, or try not to see it clearly. This story of yours is already a story, it's gone and passed away, but you still have something to deal with - it is your own mind. If it won't be of a great pain, try to think about your urge towards repeating such an experience, and whether you would like to have sex with some other girl (and not your beloved one) again in some time? Why would you like it, if you do? What is the reason of this feeling, is it because of some prejudice towards yourself, or maybe lack of something inside? It seems to me, that in most cases it could be so.

Me myself, I have a lot of issues of the same nature. I don't have a wonderful sex life and sometimes, especially when I forget to watch my mind and be a friend for myself, I tend to do things, which are not skilfull. The only reason it happens - because I am not talking to me in a friendly way sometimes, and because I want to find some happiness from the outside of my mind, which is a way, leading to misery. But still, I try to learn to love myself. And I wish you a great love and happiness and harmony in your Path! Please, don't put yourself out from your love.

Offline Pixie

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Re: Lost my virginity at 22 - questions about sexual misconduct
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2017, 01:36:04 am »

If I am correct, Gautama himself was promiscuous in his early days.....


No, stories about his life usually say something like:

Quote
Prince Siddhartha was well-educated, married and lived a wealthy and happy life.

http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/buddhism/bs-s01.htm
 


He also had a son called Rahula who later became his student.

Here is a sutta where the Buddha talks to a couple who are lay practitioners, called "Living in Tune."

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an04/an04.055.than.html


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May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.
May they all be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
May they never be deprived of true happiness devoid of any suffering.
May they abide in great impartiality, free from attachment to loved ones and aversion to others.

 


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