Author Topic: Too Patient?  (Read 118 times)

Offline AnonyMouse

  • Member
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
Too Patient?
« on: August 24, 2017, 06:54:14 pm »
Is it possible to be too patient in the practice? I had a challenging conversation today, and after being a brick wall of kindness and understanding, I can't help but feel like I should have been more assertive. A lifetime of being told to be more assertive sure sticks with an individual.

Sent from my HTC6535LVW using Tapatalk


Offline VisuddhiRaptor

  • Member
  • Posts: 319
    • View Profile
Re: Too Patient?
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2017, 10:42:59 pm »
hi there A.M.

Thanks for using this forum.

In Buddhism, there are three trainings:

1. ethics or non-harming

2. mind training or concentration, which includes patience

3. wisdom or insight that ends suffering

The training in non-harming ethics is the foundation.

If something another person does is harmful to you, you should be more assertive, such as asking the other person to not do that action or telling the other person you disagree with them because the action will harm you.

However, if the matter is just a trivial thing, just be patient & let it go.

Kind regards  :namaste:

Offline Anemephistus

  • Member
  • Posts: 16
    • View Profile
Re: Too Patient?
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2017, 06:30:19 am »
I often must be assertive in telling others in what way their behavior or thinking is not correct. The work I do requires I make emergency conversations with those who wish to harm themselves or others, or already have and now do not wish to face consequences or desire to maintain a way of thought about their actions so as to justify themselves and the harm they have done.

My opinion, derived from my own experience and the influence of my practice is this:

Make sure what you say is true, which can be a challenge. Be mindful and compassionate, if you cannot remain calm and feel anger stop talking until it passes, if anger passes slowly then practice at good breathing and dissipation of it so that it will pass faster each experience until it is fleeting, but always try and help, do not waste words with an assertive person who seeks a debate instead of an answer. People can tell when you are trying to help them, but certain preconceptions, dispositions and mental formations can make them difficult to reach.

There is a training program called Verbal Judo created for de-escalation used by some American law enforcement. It has techniques specifically for using assertive language without creating more frustration and difficulty. It deals a lot with things like making sure you tell a person who you are talking to that you would like to help them with their situation and asking them to let you share information, showing compassion to them and being re assuring without lying to them. Some of it is enforcement specific and will not translate directly, other parts are good words to replace when you are trying to reach a person who does not wish to listen but who needs to hear you. objectively it is better to not have these situations, subjectively living with other humans you encounter means you probably will.   

When I can and I see that words will not prevail, I wait, the truth does not go stale and if the moment that has arrived is not correct because of some context I find a time when the moment is more suitable for a less forceful conversation. If it cannot wait but has become a moment where there is danger I am required to act, but if I were not required to act, or depending on the level of danger inherent in the situation I would calmly abide and search for a useful action that fit my morals. 

I have struggled with compassion for others when they are forceful, slowly their words as i recited them to myself created hostility and resentment because I focused on myself in the mental retelling of the situation. I sometimes was quiet then later felt anxiety and relived what I felt I should have said.  We all do these things. Patience is smiling at these things, forgiving the other person for their frustration and forceful way and letting go of what is not important so you can gladly encounter them in a more meaningful way.

Be kind to yourself, if you feel you should have been more assertive there is a reason you are saying this mentally to yourself and asking, maybe it's a reason that needs to be let go of, arising from some wrong thinking or impulse, maybe it's a reason arising from millions of years of instinct trying to tell you something important about yourself and it will guide you to a wonderful realization. In either case you will have to investigate the underlying formations that lead to the self reflection and look into it to find a good solid answer that fits you :)

Offline Samana Johann

  • Not a member, just an endured/enduring guest.
  • Member
  • Posts: 514
  • Doing forest monk in Cambodia
    • View Profile
    • sangham.net
Re: Too Patient?
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2017, 07:21:02 am »
Patient (kanti) is the twin of Goodwill (metta), and as the Buddha told: one should protect metta, stick to it, like a mother would even die for her only child. So the short answer: No. It's not possible to have to much patient/goodwill, that it is not conductive for long-lasting happiness.
[ sangham.net Online monastery ✦ accesstoinsight.eu ✦ old used account Hanzze ]

Offline Samana Johann

  • Not a member, just an endured/enduring guest.
  • Member
  • Posts: 514
  • Doing forest monk in Cambodia
    • View Profile
    • sangham.net
Re: Too Patient?
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2017, 01:58:25 am »
[ sangham.net Online monastery ✦ accesstoinsight.eu ✦ old used account Hanzze ]

 


SimplePortal 2.3.3 © 2008-2010, SimplePortal