Author Topic: Newlywed and strife  (Read 4638 times)

Offline Wisewhiteowl

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Newlywed and strife
« on: August 07, 2014, 06:17:42 am »
So I am 22 with a daughter that's almost a year old and a wife. We've been together for a total of two years and some change and got married in May. I'm new to Buddhism and my practice is still blooming. She is catholic and is very opinionated. I work graveyard shift so I sleep during the day. When she comes home, sometimes it seems like she wants to start a fight. I tend to stay away from conflict but she always has to be right and most of the time I lose mindfulness and explode.

What is a good way to let her know about my new journey and not get into an argument? Sometimes I can't even talk to her without her being mean about the way I feel.

Offline uruk_awrys

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2014, 07:05:04 pm »
greetings
what do you want to say to her?

Offline Wisewhiteowl

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2014, 03:30:01 am »
As far as?  I'm a little confused. I don't really say much honestly.

Offline Issa

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2014, 04:22:30 am »

So I am 22 with a daughter that's almost a year old and a wife. We've been together for a total of two years and some change and got married in May.


Buddha taught marriage requires much training in self-improvement & adaptation to the other. Buddha taught qualities that are required for a good marriage are: honesty, training/improving, patience & sacrifice.

Quote
I'm new to Buddhism and my practice is still blooming. She is catholic and is very opinionated.


Buddha taught in an ideal marriage, two people should share the same faith & values. Therefore, you should learn about her practical Catholic beliefs & try to understand them.

Quote
I work graveyard shift so I sleep during the day. When she comes home, sometimes it seems like she wants to start a fight.


She may not like you being away so much, particularly not helping around the house when she is over burdened. You should patiently encourage her to honesty express what is upsetting her, using the qualities the Buddha taught.

Quote
I tend to stay away from conflict but she always has to be right and most of the time I lose mindfulness and explode.


You must make a commitment to never explode. A man should not explode towards a woman. This is bad.

Buddha taught the ideal aim of a woman is 'domination'. Buddha taught if you wish to marry a woman, you must be prepared to grant her authority in the home.

Quote
What is a good way to let her know about my new journey and not get into an argument?


The journey of Buddhism is learning to be a good, helpful, non-hurtful & wise person. You should tell her you want a respectful relationship.

When Buddha met wives that could not control their emotions, he asked to them to answer the question for themselves: "There are seven kinds of wife: a murderer, a thief, a dominatrix, a motherly wife, a sisterly wife, a friend, a slave (submissive) towards her husband. What kind of wife are you?"

Quote
Sometimes I can't even talk to her without her being mean about the way I feel.


Buddha taught when husband & wife cannot follow goodness, particularly respectful & polite speech, their marriage will not succeed.

Your wife should follow what the Bible instructs on marriage. Your wife may believe she is a Catholic but she is not practising the Christian teachings.

It sounds like your wife believes the Catholic belief that once married, forever. Buddha did not teach this. Buddha taught only two people living with goodness can have a successful life long marriage.

Buddha taught:

Quote
Husband & wife, both of them
   having conviction,
   being responsive,
   being restrained,
   living by the Dhamma,
    <3addressing each other
   with loving words
: <3
they benefit in manifold ways.
   To them comes bliss.

Samajivina Sutta: Living in Tune

May you develop the path to true happiness.  :namaste:

Offline Issa

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2014, 04:29:42 am »

As far as?  I'm a little confused. I don't really say much honestly.


At this link, you can read some Buddhist teachings about marriage, based on what is in the scriptures:

http://www.budsir.org/Part2_3.htm#13

 :namaste:

Offline Wisewhiteowl

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #5 on: August 08, 2014, 10:52:49 pm »
Thank you Issa. Obviously there is a lot more I need to learn about my practice. Thank you for your help in my journey. I hope you can teach me more

Offline 7th_Samurai

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2014, 06:21:18 pm »
Hey Jon,

Remember, "Happy wife, happy life" (he, he).  Although according to the University of Chicago, its the other way around (still love Cesar Millan though):

http://time.com/24985/happy-wife-happy-life-study-says-its-the-other-way-around/

To be honest (and this has nothing to do with Buddhism), you're actually smack-dab in the epicentre of one of the most difficult periods in any relationship - nurturing a baby.  While its not specifically listed on the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, anyone who has raised young kids can tell you it's both a wonderful experience and a very trying stage in a relationship. Add to this the fact that you are in a relatively new partnership and the effect is compounded.  The result can be a mental nursery for insecurity and resentment which, with the proper ingredients and conditions, can blossom into full blown anger.  Fortunately, its not all doom and gloom my friend, and things don't always need to end in a battle :starwars: (although, nothing wrong with a good old fashioned argument from time to time).

From the perspective of your recent decent into madness (...er, I mean Buddhism), the ground is fertile for the plowing as you have in front of you a rich opportunity to practice the Dharma.  You've mentioned several things about your wife: she's Catholic (which is irrelevant); opinionated; has to be right; wants to start a fight; and is mean about the way you feel.  However, you've omitted the most important part - YOU.  Attempting to change your wife's issues won't help you, it will only make you more frustrated.  It has to start (and end) with you.  Marshalling support for your situation and/ or social engineering your surroundings are meaningless in Buddhism.  In fact these approaches fly in the face of the Dharma.

Even if you were never to open or read a Buddhist text, there is something you could do to improve your emotional situation (almost immediately).  Meditate.  The benefits of doing so will come back to you in spades (never really understood that saying).  Anyway, while I'm probably the worst meditator in the world, there are many members of this site that are both experienced and successful meditators who could assist you in finding the right form of meditation for you (or, at the very least, point you in the right direction).  I'm willing to bet that your wife and her "issues" will mysteriously change shortly after you have engaged in a regular meditation practice. 

If I'm wrong, it will still be time well spent.  After all, it's YOUR journey.  Plus, if you never have to "explode" at your wife again, isn't that alone worth it?

Best of luck.....or (as we say in the Great White North) - " Give 'er ! "


Offline Wisewhiteowl

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2014, 10:45:27 pm »
Thank you

Offline Barnack

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2015, 09:57:50 am »

So I am 22 with a daughter that's almost a year old and a wife. We've been together for a total of two years and some change and got married in May.


Buddha taught marriage requires much training in self-improvement & adaptation to the other. Buddha taught qualities that are required for a good marriage are: honesty, training/improving, patience & sacrifice.

Quote
I'm new to Buddhism and my practice is still blooming. She is catholic and is very opinionated.


Buddha taught in an ideal marriage, two people should share the same faith & values. Therefore, you should learn about her practical Catholic beliefs & try to understand them.

Quote
I work graveyard shift so I sleep during the day. When she comes home, sometimes it seems like she wants to start a fight.


She may not like you being away so much, particularly not helping around the house when she is over burdened. You should patiently encourage her to honesty express what is upsetting her, using the qualities the Buddha taught.

Quote
I tend to stay away from conflict but she always has to be right and most of the time I lose mindfulness and explode.


You must make a commitment to never explode. A man should not explode towards a woman. This is bad.

Buddha taught the ideal aim of a woman is 'domination'. Buddha taught if you wish to marry a woman, you must be prepared to grant her authority in the home.

Quote
What is a good way to let her know about my new journey and not get into an argument?


The journey of Buddhism is learning to be a good, helpful, non-hurtful & wise person. You should tell her you want a respectful relationship.

When Buddha met wives that could not control their emotions, he asked to them to answer the question for themselves: "There are seven kinds of wife: a murderer, a thief, a dominatrix, a motherly wife, a sisterly wife, a friend, a slave (submissive) towards her husband. What kind of wife are you?"

Quote
Sometimes I can't even talk to her without her being mean about the way I feel.


Buddha taught when husband & wife cannot follow goodness, particularly respectful & polite speech, their marriage will not succeed.

Your wife should follow what the Bible instructs on marriage. Your wife may believe she is a Catholic but she is not practising the Christian teachings.

It sounds like your wife believes the Catholic belief that once married, forever. Buddha did not teach this. Buddha taught only two people living with goodness can have a successful life long marriage.

Buddha taught:

Quote
Husband & wife, both of them
   having conviction,
   being responsive,
   being restrained,
   living by the Dhamma,
    <3addressing each other
   with loving words
: <3
they benefit in manifold ways.
   To them comes bliss.

Samajivina Sutta: Living in Tune

May you develop the path to true happiness.  :namaste:



Um, it's not like he is out hitting the bars at night:
Quote
  So I am 22 with a daughter that's almost a year old and a wife. We've been together for a total of two years and some change and got married in May. I'm new to Buddhism and my practice is still blooming. She is catholic and is very opinionated. I work graveyard shift so I sleep during the day. When she comes home, sometimes it seems like she wants to start a fight. I tend to stay away from conflict but she always has to be right and most of the time I lose mindfulness and explode. 
  He's working, bringing home a paycheck.  That deserves some recognition and some respect in anyone's book. 

Just saying... 
Dharma images:  www.allan-yates.com

Offline Galen

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2015, 12:08:31 pm »
What is she upset about?

It may not be about you being Buddhist.

I think it is very important that you tell her about your interest in Buddhism. Many people practice Buddhism as well as their traditional religion. I know many people that are Christian or Jewish that use Buddhist meditation and practices.

Just saying, they are not mutually exclusive.

Thich Nhat Hanh  wrote a wonderful book about how Christian and Buddhist teachings have similarities. "Living Buddha, Living Christ"

I would also highly recommend  Charlotte Kasl's book   "If the Buddha Married"  lots of practical  guidance for couples, easy to read.
 

Offline MissGrape

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #10 on: June 22, 2015, 09:21:55 pm »
Lots of great relationship advice in this thread. Thanks all for sharing  :namaste:
:buddha: ~ Watcher on the Wall ~ :buddha2:

Offline Ron-the-Elder

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #11 on: June 23, 2015, 06:09:36 am »
My suggestion is to ask her if she would like to dissolve the marriage.  If she would, then do so.  (end of story)

Otherwise, sit down together and make a list of what you like, and what you don't like about each other and your living arrangements.  Work on the problem areas together until you find solutions with which you can both live. 

Let go of that which causes dissatisfaction, anguish, and suffering (dukkha).

Reflect as if in a mirror before opening your mouth, and review resolutions and the days events to see if there may have been a way to do or respond to things with more loving-kindness and compassion.

Let her talk until she is finished.  This requires that you learn to pay attention and listen to what she has to say.  Women need to talk.  It makes them feel better the more they talk.

I have been married twice.  My first wife died after thirty-nine years.  My second wife and I are coming up on our tenth anniversary.  The process works.  Both wives were and are my very best friends.  Treat you wife like she could be your very best friend and you hers.

Loving-kindness and compassion, along with mental equanimity will win the day, if you work on it like any other skill.   :hug:
What Makes an Elder? :
A head of gray hairs doesn't mean one's an elder. Advanced in years, one's called an old fool.
But one in whom there is truth, restraint, rectitude, gentleness,self-control, he's called an elder, his impurities disgorged, enlightened.
-Dhammpada, 19, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

Offline Ron-the-Elder

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2015, 11:02:50 am »
My suggestion is to ask her if she would like to dissolve the marriage.  If she would, then do so.  (end of story)

You cannot seriously say that.
They have to work on their relationship more than before, not dissolve the problem.

 :anjali:

Marriage is simply a contract.  If the partners in the contract no longer wish to honor it, then dissolution is the correct route to follow.  Why stay in a failed relationship?  Attachment causes suffering.
What Makes an Elder? :
A head of gray hairs doesn't mean one's an elder. Advanced in years, one's called an old fool.
But one in whom there is truth, restraint, rectitude, gentleness,self-control, he's called an elder, his impurities disgorged, enlightened.
-Dhammpada, 19, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

Offline tomatosupu

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Re: Newlywed and strife
« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2015, 07:25:15 pm »
Hmm, well I'm 30 and a married woman for about 8 yrs and I have a happy marriage so I'll share what worked for me.

 my husband is gone most of the time. He doesn't work graveyard but he's usually very busy or gone for weeks to months at a time (military). Naturally, this makes me depressed and lonely, and also...angry. I feel unloved and it makes me want to blame him for being stuck overseas living in foreign countries base after base, mostly me alone while he'said off training. The pain of loneliness is ...well, painful. It's neglect. I even considered divorce.

However, I got into Zen Buddhism and this helped me tremendously. When the pain of loneliness returned, the suffering made me more aware of myself. In other words, I started observing my emotions in third person. You are not your emotions, your thoughts, your physical body. Your true self is this formless, timeless, unidentifiable awareness or consciousness that cannot die. The way to really understanding and feeling this is to, like you said, be mindful.
So when your wife is making you angry, it's not her, it's YOU that's creating the anger. Your body is creating that emotion. Now is the chance to heighten your awareness and simply observe your emotion without getting lost IN it.

So for me, whenever I feel angry or lonely at my husband, I observe that emotion arise and fall away in my mind, noting it. Like this:
I am feeling angry. Ah, that's interesting. I can feel my heart beating faster, my head getting annoyed, discomfort in my body. But it's just an emotion. It's not MY emotion, it's just an emotion. Not MINE. It's just this body responding to the external environment. I acknowledge it's existence, and then let it fall away.

Your wife is annoyed with you because she is suffering. Try making some time and giving her your full attention as she talks. Truly be present when you listwn to her, meaning don't be multitasking or thinking other thoughts while shes talking, but fully focus on her only. This is called Deep listening. This will help take away her suffering. It is also a way to show love.

So the reason why my marriage is happy is mainly because of Buddhism. Challenges actually help me get stronger, and a more learnt Buddhist. If I was always happy, it would be harder to practice mindfulness imo. The lotus grows out of mud of suffering.

 


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