Author Topic: Emotional pain of separation and divorce  (Read 1210 times)

Offline dyanaprajna2011

  • Member
  • Posts: 63
  • Zen is...
    • View Profile
Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« on: February 14, 2016, 07:20:04 pm »
A little background: me and my (soon to be ex) wife have been together for around 10 years. We were married for five years, then divorced for about three years, although we spent about two of those years together. During this period, I converted to Buddhism. We got remarried, it's been nearly three years, and now we're separated, and eventually getting divorced again.

We're still living together,  until we get our tax check and I can move out. Things were going ok, but she found a new boyfriend. She spent last night (the day before Valentines day) with him. I tried to be ok with it, but I'm not. We both realize that our relationship isn't working, we're too different, we have different mindsets and worldviews, and they constantly clash. But I still love her, and care about her, and I wish things could have been different,  so we could still be together. But that can't happen.

Right now, I'm starting to feel a lot of hate and anger-at her, her boyfriend, and myself. Here's the problem: while I know it's wrong to feel this hate and anger, a part of me wants to feel it, it likes it, it's almost like it feeds off of it. I know it's wrong, and a hindrance, but I just don't want to stop feeling this hate and anger. And I need help, help in how to deal with it. I've actually entertained the thought of dropping Buddhism, even though I know that would be detrimental to my spiritual life. But I don't know what to do.

Absolutely any advice would be greatly appreciated. And forgive any typos, I'm typing this on my phone.
"If you want to travel the Way of Buddhas and Zen masters, then expect nothing, seek nothing, and grasp nothing." -Dogen

Offline Spiny Norman

  • Member
  • Posts: 5056
  • Cool baby yeah!
    • View Profile
Re: Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2016, 03:09:57 am »
Absolutely any advice would be greatly appreciated. And forgive any typos, I'm typing this on my phone.


Sorry to hear about your troubles.  It sounds like you're going through a very difficult time, but remember, "This too shall pass".

You might the metta bhavana practice helpful, particularly the first stage: http://www.wildmind.org/metta/one

Offline Ron-the-Elder

  • Member
  • Posts: 4455
  • May all beings live rightly and harmoniously.
    • View Profile
Re: Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2016, 06:32:23 am »
Quote
dyanaprajna2011:  I was just responding to a post on Facebook about,"Being alone on Valentine's Day was like being one person or a see-saw."   In response, I quoted a poker-buddy of mine who said last week with respect to another friend, who left our poker-group due to a newly formed relationship:  "First comes the ring.  Then comes the suffering." 

Clinging, attachment, desire all leads to suffering.  Simple enough; yet profound!  Another related truth:  "The only way to end such pain is to go through it."..then let it go.

Buddha said the following will help:  "Be mindful:  Inhale.  Exhale.  Observe your breath.  Stay in the moment.  Observe all mental factors:  thoughts, feelings, emotions.  Let them go."

Be at peace.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2016, 06:11:35 pm by Ron-the-Elder »
What Makes an Elder? :
A head of gray hairs doesn't mean one's an elder. Advanced in years, one's called an old fool.
But one in whom there is truth, restraint, rectitude, gentleness,self-control, he's called an elder, his impurities disgorged, enlightened.
-Dhammpada, 19, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

Offline dyanaprajna2011

  • Member
  • Posts: 63
  • Zen is...
    • View Profile
Re: Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2016, 07:42:52 am »
Thank you for the replies. The funny thing is, these are things I already know. But it's easier said than done. I really just want to be done with relationships, sex, and everything that comes along with them. I've seen firsthand the suffering they cause, and I'm just ready to be done. This is what makes this anger I feel so scary. I know it's danger, but I feel so overwhelmed with everything right now. I keep reading everything I can from a Buddhist perspective, hoping to find that one thing that helps snap me out of it.
"If you want to travel the Way of Buddhas and Zen masters, then expect nothing, seek nothing, and grasp nothing." -Dogen

Offline pudgala2

  • Member
  • Posts: 44
    • View Profile
Re: Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2016, 09:22:05 am »
Zen is derived from zazen which is relaxation and insight which is also your username! Your posting is remarkably clear and concise and it implies you have everything you need to work the energy being released in this situation. Relax and focus!

Right now, you're feeling the intense negative emotions needed to distance yourself from this uncomfortable situation—that's what negative emotions are for. But you haven't yet developed a strategy to channel the emotions in a direction that will resolve it. Stop focusing the emotions on the people involved. Get an escape plan and free yourself—that's what the BuddhaDharma is all about—ending suffering and not dragging it out! Unless, of course, you enjoy the drama.

The one thing that's trying to help you snap out of it is the very situation your Mind is using to slap you out of it—WAKE UP!

Poetic justice—deserving to be the karmic character you habitually practice being—until YOU stop it.


Offline Spiny Norman

  • Member
  • Posts: 5056
  • Cool baby yeah!
    • View Profile
Re: Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2016, 10:33:45 pm »
Thank you for the replies. The funny thing is, these are things I already know. But it's easier said than done. I really just want to be done with relationships, sex, and everything that comes along with them. I've seen firsthand the suffering they cause, and I'm just ready to be done. This is what makes this anger I feel so scary. I know it's danger, but I feel so overwhelmed with everything right now. I keep reading everything I can from a Buddhist perspective, hoping to find that one thing that helps snap me out of it.

From a practical point of view, are there other things you can be doing, other people you can spend time with?  How soon will you be able to move out and make a fresh start, and in the mean-time can you spend less time in the house?
« Last Edit: February 16, 2016, 11:24:47 pm by Spiny Norman »

Offline dyanaprajna2011

  • Member
  • Posts: 63
  • Zen is...
    • View Profile
Re: Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2016, 12:31:14 pm »
I'm an introvert and a homebody. I don't really have any friends, or get out that much. About the only place I go is work.
"If you want to travel the Way of Buddhas and Zen masters, then expect nothing, seek nothing, and grasp nothing." -Dogen

Offline Spiny Norman

  • Member
  • Posts: 5056
  • Cool baby yeah!
    • View Profile
Re: Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2016, 12:05:05 am »
I don't really have any friends, or get out that much.

That is bound to make the situation more difficult and intense.  Is this something you would like to change?

Offline dyanaprajna2011

  • Member
  • Posts: 63
  • Zen is...
    • View Profile
Re: Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2016, 12:01:15 pm »
Kind of, yeah. There's a guy at work who plays guitar in a local rock band, and we get along pretty well. I've been thinking about asking him to hang out some outside of work.
"If you want to travel the Way of Buddhas and Zen masters, then expect nothing, seek nothing, and grasp nothing." -Dogen

Offline Spiny Norman

  • Member
  • Posts: 5056
  • Cool baby yeah!
    • View Profile
Re: Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2016, 01:29:39 pm »
Kind of, yeah. There's a guy at work who plays guitar in a local rock band, and we get along pretty well. I've been thinking about asking him to hang out some outside of work.

Having the support of friends can be a big help when relationships break down.

Offline arunamdr

  • Member
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
Re: Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« Reply #10 on: February 21, 2016, 06:03:35 am »
For me, when I am very disappointed or sad, I remember the sins I have done in the past. Then I think that somebody might have been hurt by me the same way that I am hurt at the moment. I think this might be the result of my past sins. This helps me a lot to cope with my sorrow. I like seeing a counselor too.

Offline arunamdr

  • Member
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
Re: Emotional pain of separation and divorce
« Reply #11 on: February 24, 2016, 12:52:42 pm »
I always remember below quote from Dalai Lama: May this bring you peace.

“Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back and reasons to stay.”

- Dalai Lama XIV

 


SimplePortal 2.3.3 © 2008-2010, SimplePortal