Author Topic: How to handle these emotions and practise forgiveness  (Read 1014 times)

Offline sanity4s

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How to handle these emotions and practise forgiveness
« on: October 06, 2015, 01:00:33 pm »
Dear Sangha,
I need your advice. I have been married to my wife for a decade now and we have two young children. Our relationship has been rocky most of the times. I have biological propensity for depression. The relationship has caused distress for me and pushed me into depression. I am on mild anti-depressant and I have a therapist that I work with. Over the years, I have grown myself in maturity as per the needs of a marriage. My spouse has inherent trust issue and an anger problem (it is not just with me). Due to her difficulty in trusting, she makes quick and seriously incorrect judgement about people. She almost has no relationship other than her parents and two siblings (which are again troubled). She doesn't accept easily anything that came with me - my parents, my sibling, my culture, my values etc... She just wants that part of me that concerns with her. Given this, we don't feel emotionally connected with each other.
I don't say or do things that are any way damaging to the family or children. But she gets angry for trivial reasons and puts the home in crisis situation. I don't retaliate for all the troubles that she causes to me. But I have difficulty processing these emotions. I don't want my children to go thru our divorce. What is your Buddhist advice on how to process these emotions and practise forgiveness. In the long term, I realize that I need to equip myself to have difficult conversations with her and make her see how she affects the family (she needs therapy). In the short term, I have difficulty processing these emotions. Please advise.

Offline Dharmakara

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Re: How to handle these emotions and practise forgiveness
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2015, 09:30:39 pm »
Hi sanity4s and welcome to FreeSangha.

From the description in your post I'm not sure if you're only contemplating divorce at this time or if you're already in the process of divorce, but my opening advice would pretty much be the same in either case: marriage counseling (if contemplating divorce) or family counseling (if already in the process --- there are two people in the current situation and how they respond and react to one another is going to have an effect on the children (who are innocent by-standers).

What is your Buddhist advice on how to process these emotions and practise forgiveness.

1. To process the emotions, you examine them when they arise, but you don't act or react to them.

2. Make sure you're able to forgive yourself first... if you don't, it will leave its imprint on every thing you touch.

Offline Antonio1986

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Re: How to handle these emotions and practise forgiveness
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2015, 12:37:26 pm »
Speak honestly with your wife about your emotions.
If she loves you she will understand.
If she doesn't understand, this does not mean that she does not love you.
Perhaps she feels that there is no solution and she lost hope.
Create again hope in your relationship.
Change some things in your behavior before asking from her to change some things in her behavior.
Perhaps put a smile on your face more often that you really do. Say one time more per day the expression: I love you!
My advice is based on logic ... and anything based on logic is in accordance with Buddhism.
 :namaste:
« Last Edit: October 07, 2015, 12:39:35 pm by Antonio1986 »
“I hope for nothing. I fear nothing. I am free!"

Offline Ron-the-Elder

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Re: How to handle these emotions and practise forgiveness
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2015, 12:37:42 pm »
Quote
sanity4s:  "I need your advice. I have been married to my wife for a decade now and we have two young children. Our relationship has been rocky most of the times."

I really don't think you need our advice, but you claim to want it, so here's what I am willing to share with you.

The big secret with regard to marriage is that all of us married folks have disagreements with our spouses eventually.  Religions have tried to solve this problem by calling one or the other of the spouses as "head" of the family, the idea being that if someone was in charge then all of the others would be forced to follow and in that way we wouldn't kill each other off.  In paternal cultures such as the Abrahemic cultures the male was appointed head of the clan, but there have been cultures such as in Southern Asia, North Eastern Americas, and some say Rome  where females were considered heads of household.  Truth is the term "pussy-whipped" comes from the fact that males high in testosterone are willing to do almost anything for sex, and as such their mates hold great power of sexual reward over them, until men become aged (70's or so) and men just don't care, or can't remember why they were willing to obey their feminine mates.

Getting back to the disagreements:  Most marital problems have to do with one or more of three topics:  Sex, money, and/or power of control.  If you don't want any of those three, chances are that you will never have any problem with your spouse.

When you two do disagree, first try to relent and give your spouse exactly what they want unless it is illegal, immoral, or impossible.  Should that be the case, then discuss compromise.  Before negotiating, decide what you are willing to change about your own behavior and not your spouses.  If you have done something wrong or hurtful, admit to it and ask for forgiveness.  If your spouse has done something wrong, then grant forgiveness.

Now the following is not negotiable:  "Never go to sleep without resolving your problems."

*Note:  I have been in my current marriage like you for about ten years, come this December 9th.  My first marriage lasted from October of 1966 till March of 2004, whereupon my wife decided to enact the "till death do we part clause" of our marriage vows.  I was with her for over 38 years until the very moment she died at 01:15 in the morning.  Since then I could not recall even one important disagreement we ever had. 

Chances are if you dedicate yourself to the health of your marriage, and your mate does the same, you will very likely experience the same loss of memory.

The toughest battle for everyone, especially us Buddhists, is letting go of the delusion of self, and the mental hindrance associated with thinking that there is any self that exists, which ever can be hurt or insulted.  Let that go.  Let that go!  Let that go!   Be at peace.  Hug your spouse and with them the same.

May we all be free of the delusion of self and any self to be insulted or harmed in any way. :hug:

That's all I got.

Good luck! :wink1:
« Last Edit: October 07, 2015, 12:55:56 pm by Ron-the-Elder »
What Makes an Elder? :
A head of gray hairs doesn't mean one's an elder. Advanced in years, one's called an old fool.
But one in whom there is truth, restraint, rectitude, gentleness,self-control, he's called an elder, his impurities disgorged, enlightened.
-Dhammpada, 19, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

 


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